Lindsey Robertson
Sometimes, being married is far less romantic than we’d like for it to be. Sure, you get to spend your life with your soulmate — but you also get to deal with their weird quirks, their mood swings, their domestic eccentricities, and their truly heinous morning breath. It’s a tradeoff, basically.
If you are well aware of the unsexy realities that come with being in a marriage or a long-term relationship, then these tweets are for you.
Wedded bliss isn’t always blissful — but it can definitely be pretty funny.
22.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) September 6, 2017
21.
wife: Do that thing I like
me *uses a coaster*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 30, 2017
20.
It’s less awkward picking up my wife’s period supplies than giving her coffee order at Starbucks.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 4, 2017
19.
I tell my husband that I love him but I’m also territorial about the good cheese in the fridge because balance is healthy in marriage.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) September 3, 2017
18.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
-marriage
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
17.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
— Just J (@junejuly12) September 5, 2017
16.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
— Brian Russell (@TheUnderfold) July 27, 2017
15.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 14, 2017
14.
Relationship status: Married so long that my wife thinks I’m smelling up the bathroom on purpose
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 8, 2017
13.
I cannot hate on cargo shorts. My husband is a walking diaper bag in those things. I’m getting him the matching vest to hold water bottles.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) June 18, 2017
12.
[Target]
Me: We’re just picking up a few things, right?
Wife: *evil cackle*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2017
11.
To ensure the safety of others and prevent the demise of your marriage, never start a home improvement project with your spouse.
— Hey, Laaaaainie! (@Wine_Charmer) September 2, 2017
10.
(sends raven to my husband)
“Dude, seriously, what do want for dinner?”— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 31, 2017
9.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 30, 2015
8.
It’s my wife Carmens Birthday today please join me in wishing that I don’t do anything to piss her off today.
— Scott B. (@ScottwB46) September 10, 2017
7.
My wife and I both separately went to the grocery store hungry, and now we have 25 lbs of snacks
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2017
6.
Here, let me do that
-me when my wife is almost done with some chore
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2017
5.
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 25, 2017
4.
I am never more attracted to my husband than when he’s looking for a coupon before we go inside a restaurant.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) September 7, 2017
3.
Me [sits down to stack of pancakes and bacon]
Wife: What happened to eating healthier?
Me: Ugh. Fine. [puts single blueberry on pancake]— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 11, 2017
2.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 7, 2017
1.
Wife: *laughing uncontrollably* So THIS is your midlife crisis??
Me: *struggles to get out of a Mazda Miata*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) September 11, 2017