These 22 Tweets Are Guaranteed To Make You Say ‘Yup, That’s Married Life’
Sometimes, being married is far less romantic than we’d like for it to be. Sure, you get to spend your life with your soulmate — but you also get to deal with their weird quirks, their mood swings, their domestic eccentricities, and their truly heinous morning breath. It’s a tradeoff, basically.
If you are well aware of the unsexy realities that come with being in a marriage or a long-term relationship, then these tweets are for you.
Wedded bliss isn’t always blissful — but it can definitely be pretty funny.
22.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) September 6, 2017
21.
wife: Do that thing I like
me *uses a coaster*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 30, 2017
20.
It’s less awkward picking up my wife’s period supplies than giving her coffee order at Starbucks.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 4, 2017
19.
I tell my husband that I love him but I’m also territorial about the good cheese in the fridge because balance is healthy in marriage.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) September 3, 2017
18.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
-marriage
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
17.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
— Just J (@junejuly12) September 5, 2017
16.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
— Brian Russell (@TheUnderfold) July 27, 2017
15.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 14, 2017
14.
Relationship status: Married so long that my wife thinks I’m smelling up the bathroom on purpose
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 8, 2017
13.
I cannot hate on cargo shorts. My husband is a walking diaper bag in those things. I’m getting him the matching vest to hold water bottles.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) June 18, 2017
12.
[Target]
Me: We’re just picking up a few things, right?
Wife: *evil cackle*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2017
11.
To ensure the safety of others and prevent the demise of your marriage, never start a home improvement project with your spouse.
— Hey, Laaaaainie! (@Wine_Charmer) September 2, 2017
10.
(sends raven to my husband)
“Dude, seriously, what do want for dinner?”— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 31, 2017
9.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 30, 2015
8.
It’s my wife Carmens Birthday today please join me in wishing that I don’t do anything to piss her off today.
— Scott B. (@ScottwB46) September 10, 2017
7.
My wife and I both separately went to the grocery store hungry, and now we have 25 lbs of snacks
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2017
6.
Here, let me do that
-me when my wife is almost done with some chore
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2017
5.
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 25, 2017
4.
I am never more attracted to my husband than when he’s looking for a coupon before we go inside a restaurant.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) September 7, 2017
3.
Me [sits down to stack of pancakes and bacon]
Wife: What happened to eating healthier?
Me: Ugh. Fine. [puts single blueberry on pancake]— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 11, 2017
2.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 7, 2017
1.
Wife: *laughing uncontrollably* So THIS is your midlife crisis??
Me: *struggles to get out of a Mazda Miata*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) September 11, 2017
