Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
https://twitter.com/DairylandDon/status/589539981921779712
14.
Am I an activist or did I just share a link
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) June 7, 2016
13.
https://twitter.com/SomeChrisTweets/status/956622259380150272
12.
Parents in paper towel commercials, your children are monsters. Forget about absorbency and focus on getting your shit together.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) December 9, 2011
11.
Fake pockets in women’s slacks are the pantriarchy. Thank you.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 13, 2018
10.
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
9.
https://twitter.com/FeralCrone/status/919388503452119041
8.
I like my women like I like my ancient spiral staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 7, 2018
7.
Say the words “Emma Thompson” out loud if you want your posture and outlook to improve for a little while.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 12, 2018
6.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation's brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 15, 2016
5.
https://twitter.com/Prof_Hinkley/status/1021427305380438016
4.
Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here
— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) December 4, 2014
3.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 12, 2018
2.
https://twitter.com/themiltron/status/681372065442615298
1.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) April 11, 2018
