I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
"And in the end, Danny Glover learned he had been just the right age for the shit all along." [closes book] Sleep well, kids. [light switch]
— Don Nichols (@DairylandDon) April 18, 2015
14.
Am I an activist or did I just share a link
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) June 7, 2016
13.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) January 25, 2018
12.
Parents in paper towel commercials, your children are monsters. Forget about absorbency and focus on getting your shit together.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) December 9, 2011
11.
Fake pockets in women’s slacks are the pantriarchy. Thank you.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 13, 2018
10.
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
9.
Types of spiders:
-Shower lifeguard
-Windshield daredevil
-Big ol' son of a bitch
-Mailbox lurker
-Surprise—this is my bedroom now!— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 15, 2017
8.
I like my women like I like my ancient spiral staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 7, 2018
7.
Say the words “Emma Thompson” out loud if you want your posture and outlook to improve for a little while.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 12, 2018
6.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation's brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 15, 2016
5.
Doctor: *making disappointed noises as she records my weight*
Me: a lot of that's just bones though— X Æ A-12 fan account (@Prof_Hinkley) July 23, 2018
4.
Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here
— Extreme Good Person (@SortaBad) December 4, 2014
3.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 12, 2018
2.
[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that's so kind it's my first day & i'm very nervous— swann’s güey (@athleisure_monk) December 28, 2015
1.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) April 11, 2018