Noah Berman
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. "That will be you and me one day," I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can't cancel.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 1, 2018
14.
https://twitter.com/NicCageMatch/status/546670196455661568
13.
Perfume commercials work because we all want to be that girl wandering in a windswept field wearing a huge sweater and no pants pulling a daisy across our lip like a mustache then laughing hysterically but with dead eyes
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 28, 2018
12.
*gives my dog a treat*
“Here you go, you want a treat?!”
*dog looks at it, then starts eating*
“Good girl!”
*damp pill falls out of her mouth onto the floor, she slowly looks up at me*
“I CAN EXPLAIN!”— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) July 27, 2018
11.
Once you realize that you don't need a special occasion to buy a cake, the second part of your life begins.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 3, 2018
10.
Priest: "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger."
— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) March 9, 2017
8.
can all the attractive couples please leave trader joe’s while i’m buying my depression ice cream this time is not for you
— UnDo 512 #Stop Cop City (@stop_sweeps_atx) August 2, 2018
7.
https://twitter.com/UnFitz/status/829276320349691907
6.
This could be bus but you plane pic.twitter.com/83dpTA5WD0
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 25, 2015
5.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "i'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you're not going anywhere you piece of shit
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) May 18, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/1023393050322563072
3.
TRYING TO PICK MY FAVORITE PART OF BEING A HUMAN
-HAVE TO WEAR PANTS PLACES EVEN THOUGH I WAS GIVEN NO CHOICE IN BEING ALIVE
-LIVING IN A SOCIETY THAT ACTIVELY ROMANTICIZES SELFISHNESS DESPITE BEING BIOLOGICALLY WIRED TO CRAVE COMMUNITY
-UNLIMITED SOUP, SALAD, AND BREADSTICKS
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) August 1, 2018
2.
A group of drunk white people is called a 'Sweet Caroline'.
— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) May 28, 2017
1.
Ghost cat: how'd you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu— Ray (@SirEviscerate) June 23, 2013
