Noah Berman
One of my favorite things to do at the end of a long day is going to my local bar, sipping a whiskey on the patio under the setting Los Angeles sun, surrounded by beautiful actors and models happily chatting away, but also never really seeing any of that because I’m looking at tweets on my phone. Like, the whole time. It’s great. The tweets are never ending. That Los Angeles sun will set. The bar will close. Most of these actors and models will give up, move home, and start a family they’ll grow to resent. But the tweets? Ah, the tweets. The tweets are forever.
1.
My grandfather told me that when my grandma gets mad at him he tightens the pickle jar lid so she’ll have to talk to him … I want that
— Crislyn Rawson (@crislyn_graham) July 17, 2018
2.
My dad told me to get my brother a pizza from “liro syser” pic.twitter.com/PSMRflpub9
— evy (@__evyvg) August 7, 2018
3.
https://twitter.com/MissyElliott/status/1027061438358151168
4.
https://twitter.com/MeredithJeffers/status/1027211357995900928
5.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
— michaela kennedy (@mic22ken) August 7, 2018
6.
that one time I did a giveaway and didn’t say what the prize was pic.twitter.com/bzMRqcrhrq
— thomas (@iucipur) August 6, 2018
7.
https://twitter.com/ayyyran/status/1026627495695708161
8.
If you’re reading this release your shoulders from your ears, unclench your jaw, and remove your tongue from the roof of your mouth. We physically tend to hold onto stress in least noticeable ways. Relax.
— devyn (@sentfromdevyn) August 6, 2018
9.
me: [selects "send verification code as text" on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage— julia reinstein 🚡 (@juliareinstein) August 7, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/Colorfulkkaylaa/status/1025899917729038336
11.
https://twitter.com/_itsomo/status/1026720778631503874
12.
https://twitter.com/Atrioc/status/1026327505072869376
13.
I’ve literally never met a man who is not named Matt
— Caitie Karasik (@caitieekk) August 5, 2018
14.
https://twitter.com/david_s_barker/status/1026395505054629888
15.
Mike and Sully were two blue-collar workers who managed to pay for their spacious 1 bedroom in central Monstropolis while sheltering a young political refugee, and developing a new form of clean, renewable energy. What have YOU done today?
— Dani (@daniiyells) August 5, 2018
16.
https://twitter.com/magicrowley/status/1025888583616475139
17.
lmfaoooo Facebook been having me dying lately pic.twitter.com/YY3mPAzUqz
— [indistinct chatter] (@KariukiMachine) August 6, 2018
18.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
— Adam Melia (@Adam__Melia) August 5, 2018
19.
I will never be as successful as this small duck pic.twitter.com/T8XwbSr4nZ
— Amy W Schwartz (@lizardschwartz) August 4, 2018
20.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
— lil🧡 (@ashrinetomyself) August 4, 2018
