Being a parent may seem like hard work, but it does give you some pretty great material for Twitter. Kids say some wild things and do some even wilder things, so why not share them with all of your followers?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) April 17, 2018
My son asked me how you would know if the inside of your nose smelled funny and it’s kept me awake for 4 days
— Shenanigans (@Cupcake_luvrr) April 16, 2018
Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY
Me: good job!
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES
Me: i’m proud of you
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS
Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES
Me: wait what
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) February 1, 2018
6y.o: “What’s this?”
Me: “A baked potato.”
6: “You know what would be better? If this potato was frenched and fried.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 16, 2018
Only some things are guaranteed in life; taxes, death, and a toddler who demands more french fries before even finishing the ones he has.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 11, 2018
Dentist: Looks like you have been grinding your teeth. Do you know the reason why? Stress? Lack of sleep?
Me: I have four. Would you like to see their school pictures?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 19, 2018
What’s it like to have a bunch of kids who “borrow” your stuff?
I just filled out a permission slip with a Crayola marker.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 17, 2018
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2018
Becoming a parent has taught me that I’m extremely sensitive to noise and smells. And messes. Also, repeating myself. And when my kids grab new cups every time they want a sip of water. Why is this necessary??? But other than that, only these 256 other things bother me.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 15, 2018
Me trying to make dinner for two kids and a newborn every night looks like an episode of Chopped, Super Nanny and Intervention rolled into one.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) April 10, 2018
My 8yo was all like, “Sorry Dad, I forgot my homework,” and ran outside to play.
“Sorry son,” I replied, and plopped down the homework a mom screenshot from his classmate’s homework, sent to me and I printed out. “Sucks to be you growing up in 2018.”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 19, 2018
Have kids so you can forever be trapped in the never-ending cycle of “finally getting over being sick” and “just starting to get sick again.”
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 18, 2018
5 cried when the restaurant didn’t bring her enough bacon and this is the first time her emotional outburst has made sense.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 15, 2018
It’s like dueling pianos, except it’s a 9yo on the piano and a 7yo on the kazoo and nobody would ever pay for this.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 11, 2018
Husband just fixed the toilet, and my 5yo couldn’t remember the word “plumber” so he called him a “toilet master” and let’s be honest, broken toilet or not, that’s the perfect nickname for him.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) April 16, 2018
Me then: You kids have to stop leaving your toys everywhere!
Me now: Awww the dogs left their toys everywhere, they’re so cute.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 17, 2018
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don’t know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
“It feels weird to smile in the mornings.”
— My 11-year-old transitioning into adulthood.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) April 16, 2018
Scientific studies prove that kids will take more time “picking a prize” than adults will spend deciding if they want to have kids.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 7, 2018
Helping your kids with their math homework is a good way to teach them about math and swear words.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 7, 2018
Just overheard my toddler say “uh-oh” from the other room, which either means I need to retrieve a toy from behind the couch or we need to change our identities and move out of state again.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 17, 2018
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) April 18, 2018
OTHER MOMS: i miss my kids while they’re at school during the day
ME: by Monday morning I’m ready to launch my kids to school with one of those medieval catapult thingies
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 9, 2018
A recent study says to wash new clothes before you wear them bc they could contain fecal germs which is funny bc I have kids so pretty much everything around me already contains fecal germs.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 19, 2018
[laying in bed]
Husband: Good morning
Me: Good morning
All 3 children sitting on top of my head: Good morning!!
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) April 7, 2018
Me: I should go to bed early tonight.
Me to me: Eff that! It’s your kid free time. Binge watch shows, eat junk food & hate yourself tomorrow! pic.twitter.com/jS1yXufiLe
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 9, 2018
Wheel of Fortune but the spot you land on determines what you’ll be arguing about with your kids that morning. Today I got “Shoes.”
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 10, 2018
A mother’s work is never done.
Unless she proclaims loudly that she is “done with this shit”, in which case you should probably give her at least an hour.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 14, 2018
Good morning. My toddler just handed me a blank check from her sock drawer.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 9, 2018
If you think you’re your own worst critic, have kids
— Peaux (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018
Yes I know I forgot to pick up my kid from school but don’t worry my brain is good and fine, it still remembers all the lyrics to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack I haven’t listened to in 15 years
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 17, 2018