Sometimes, I think about my future and wonder how many kids I’m going to have. The younger I was, the more kids I thought I would have. But, as I got older and discovered things like Twitter, I realized that being a parent isn’t all that incredible.
Sure, having kids and making your own tiny people seems like a really special experience. But, then they get older, and bigger, and begin to mouth off to you–who wants that? Not I.
My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn’t want to share it with our kids.
— Lady Lieutenant Columbo 🔎 (@TacosChallah) August 15, 2018
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby pic.twitter.com/p3sEUcTgYa
— Michael Margolis (@yipe) June 9, 2018
Ah, morning: the sun is shining, the coffee’s brewing, and your kids’ screen time for the day is still fresh enough that you haven’t started to feel guilty about it yet.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 12, 2018
My daughter has now decided that whenever she wants something or is in trouble and her explanation is completely absurd she can yell “Sharknado logic” and get a pass lol thanks #Sharknado6
— Mandy P (@HiddenGem05) August 20, 2018
My daughter just tried to yank my eyelashes out…wtf! I was like girl what are you doing?! “I NEED TO MAKE A WISH” pic.twitter.com/PemyAAIOFr
— Auntie Ang (@TheKitchenista) August 20, 2018
Husband: Why’s this guy in the minivan driving like a maniac?
9yo: Why’s Dad talking about himself in the 3rd person?
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 6, 2018
I’m not saying I’m a parenting expert, but letting your kids have ice cream for breakfast makes the morning more pleasant.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 1, 2016
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2018
Childbirth classes should include useful parenting advice, like how to dispose of a kid’s artwork in the outside trash bin only.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 16, 2018
Parenting is stressful because when kids are loud, they’re annoying and when they’re quiet, they might be about to lose a limb or eyeball.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) October 1, 2014
My daughter was afraid of spiders so I had the brilliant idea of showing her Charlotte’s Web so she would like them. We are halfway through and while she does, indeed, like Charlotte, I’m realizing I’ve made a terrible mistake.
— Sydnee McElroy (@sydneemcelroy) August 20, 2018
Toddler: I help you.
Me: Sure! What do you want to help wi-
Toddler: *Dumps entire silverware drawer out*
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 7, 2018
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
4: Or the fat sea witch!
— Marl (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
I’m not gonna lie, I got extremely emotional while dropping off my little girl to preschool this week. I could barely get her to class. It’s so hard to focus when I’m blinded by tears of joy.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) August 16, 2018
“OK MOMMY IS GETTING IN THE SHOWER NOW PLEASE DON’T KILL EACH OTHER”
-My daily leap of faith
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) August 6, 2018
The first thing I think every time my kid hits a new age is, “Oh, look at that, it didn’t get easier.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 12, 2018
7y.o: *puts toy in my pool bag*
Me: “I’m not carrying your things.”
7: “No, you’re not; your BAG is.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 17, 2018
My 3yo “accidentally” unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don’t worry, he “fixed” it. pic.twitter.com/MFKWJ2rNqi
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) October 24, 2014
*5yo climbing on my chair
Me: “Be careful! I don’t want want you to spill my wine.
…Oh I also don’t want you to get hurt or whatever.”
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 10, 2016
My kids saw a baby lizard. I jokingly said, “If you catch it, you can keep it as a pet.”
They caught it.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 13, 2018
I let my toddler dress herself.
She’s wearing a cupcake. pic.twitter.com/u6Mn5NTve7
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 18, 2016
My 2yo always says “you’re the Mommy” to me with a slight sense of disbelief and I kind of don’t blame him.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 16, 2018
Well, I finally figured out what was making the toy box smell like a rotting banana.
Spoiler alert: It was a rotting banana.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 14, 2018
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
— Moe (@_Mo_lee_) January 8, 2016
That awful moment when your kid asks to watch “Anal-stasia” and you’re not sure if it’s a cute mistake or if she saw your browser history.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) January 20, 2016
Me: Let’s eat chicken nuggets.
[one kid cries]
Me: How about pizza?
[other kid cries]
[both kids cry]
We have a winner.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2016