Noah Berman
Sometimes, I think about my future and wonder how many kids I’m going to have. The younger I was, the more kids I thought I would have. But, as I got older and discovered things like Twitter, I realized that being a parent isn’t all that incredible.
Enjoy these funny mom tweets!
Sure, having kids and making your own tiny people seems like a really special experience. But, then they get older, and bigger, and begin to mouth off to you–who wants that? Not I.
25.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby pic.twitter.com/p3sEUcTgYa
— Michael Margolis (@yipe) June 9, 2018
24.
Ah, morning: the sun is shining, the coffee’s brewing, and your kids’ screen time for the day is still fresh enough that you haven’t started to feel guilty about it yet.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 12, 2018
23.
My daughter has now decided that whenever she wants something or is in trouble and her explanation is completely absurd she can yell “Sharknado logic” and get a pass lol thanks #Sharknado6
— Mandy P (@HiddenGem05) August 20, 2018
22.
[in car]
Husband: Why’s this guy in the minivan driving like a maniac?
9yo: Why’s Dad talking about himself in the 3rd person?
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 6, 2018
21.
I’m not saying I’m a parenting expert, but letting your kids have ice cream for breakfast makes the morning more pleasant.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 1, 2016
20.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2018
19.
Childbirth classes should include useful parenting advice, like how to dispose of a kid’s artwork in the outside trash bin only.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 16, 2018
18.
Parenting is stressful because when kids are loud, they’re annoying and when they’re quiet, they might be about to lose a limb or eyeball.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) October 1, 2014
17.
My daughter was afraid of spiders so I had the brilliant idea of showing her Charlotte’s Web so she would like them. We are halfway through and while she does, indeed, like Charlotte, I’m realizing I’ve made a terrible mistake.
— Sydnee McElroy (@sydneemcelroy) August 20, 2018
16.
Toddler: I help you.
Me: Sure! What do you want to help wi-
Toddler: *Dumps entire silverware drawer out*
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 7, 2018
15.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!— Marl (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
14.
I’m not gonna lie, I got extremely emotional while dropping off my little girl to preschool this week. I could barely get her to class. It’s so hard to focus when I’m blinded by tears of joy.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) August 16, 2018
13.
“OK MOMMY IS GETTING IN THE SHOWER NOW PLEASE DON’T KILL EACH OTHER”
-My daily leap of faith
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) August 6, 2018
12.
The first thing I think every time my kid hits a new age is, “Oh, look at that, it didn’t get easier.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 12, 2018
11.
7y.o: *puts toy in my pool bag*
Me: “I’m not carrying your things.”
7: “No, you’re not; your BAG is.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 17, 2018
10.
My 3yo “accidentally” unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don’t worry, he “fixed” it. pic.twitter.com/MFKWJ2rNqi
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) October 24, 2014
9.
*5yo climbing on my chair
Me: “Be careful! I don’t want want you to spill my wine.
…Oh I also don’t want you to get hurt or whatever.”
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 10, 2016
8.
My kids saw a baby lizard. I jokingly said, “If you catch it, you can keep it as a pet.”
They caught it.
Shit.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 13, 2018
7.
I let my toddler dress herself.
She’s wearing a cupcake. pic.twitter.com/u6Mn5NTve7
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 18, 2016
6.
My 2yo always says “you’re the Mommy” to me with a slight sense of disbelief and I kind of don’t blame him.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 16, 2018
5.
Well, I finally figured out what was making the toy box smell like a rotting banana.
Spoiler alert: It was a rotting banana.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 14, 2018
4.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
3.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
— Moe (@_Mo_lee_) January 8, 2016
2.
That awful moment when your kid asks to watch “Anal-stasia” and you’re not sure if it’s a cute mistake or if she saw your browser history.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) January 20, 2016
1.
Me: Let’s eat chicken nuggets.
[one kid cries]
Me: How about pizza?
[other kid cries]
Me: Spaghetti?
[both kids cry]
We have a winner.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2016