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This Writer’s Story Of Battling A Bear Over His Peach Tree Is Hilarious

Peach trees are heavy with fruit this time of year, but writer Rob Dubbin has had to protect his above and beyond the call of duty. Many of us would go to extremes to guard a perfectly juicy crop of fuzzy peaches in our yard—they can be used for so many things! Preserves, jams,  marinades, pies, and straight snacking. Slice that peach up with some whip cream? Yes, please. That’s the taste of summer.

It’s a taste everyone wants, include wild animals who will rudely intrude anywhere. In a long Twitter thread, Dubbin told the epic story of battling back a bear from his beloved peach tree. The tree was planted on his property when he bought the house, so he didn’t raise it from a little seedling, but he has cared and nurtured it, and even given the tree a name: Belvis. Belvis is a good tree who produces many yummy fruits.

Dubbin rebuilt the fence around Belvis at the recommendation of the seller, in an attempt to protect it from beasties trying to feast-y.

For awhile, everything was great. Dubbin was ass-deep in pies and Belvis was thriving:

Then, one morning, tragedy struck. Belvis was under attack, as Dubbin discovered during one of his many visits to the tree. As a side note, I hope Belvis never comes between Dubbin and his family, because there’s clearly some intense energy in this relationship.

A bear had ransacked Belvis and left it’s signature calling card, a giant pile of crap.

Personally, I wouldn’t ever fight a bear over a peach, but Dubbin is very attached to Belvis. He started to research how to save his tree from this pooping bear. In defense of the bear, though, peaches do make you pretty regular.

He found out that bears hate the sound of human voices. I wouldn’t count on that in the event of a bear attack, but I guess it’s not unreasonable to think that it might be a deterrent to hear people around the tree. The bear wants peaches, not confrontation.

Before Dubbin could put this info to good use, the bear returned, making a mockery of the fence Dubbin had built:

The animal had trouble getting out, so it was not smarter than the average bear.

Dubbin knew it was time to take action, and decided to build a radio that would play podcasts all day long to discourage the bear from coming near:

He chose Reply All, a podcast about the Internet, not gardening. He connected an old iPhone with 100 episodes to a heavy duty battery and covered the whole thing with a waterproof case. Then pressed play.

It actually seems to have worked, the bear has not returned so far. And Dubbin can catch up on podcasts as he harvests:

Belvis stands strong! Do what you must to protect your peaches, folks, even if it means listening to the same podcast over and over.