Noah Berman
26.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
25.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren’t a breakfast food.
5: I know. They’re an all-day food.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
24.
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
23.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
22.
Me: You’re still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I’ll get dressed soon.
Me: It’s 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don’t rush me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
21.
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
20.
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
19.
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It’s going to be a long night.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
18.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
17.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018