Noah Berman
16.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn’t know that.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
15.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
14.
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren’t any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
13.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What’s her name?
Me: She doesn’t have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She’ll make a great mother.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
12.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
11.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It’s soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
10.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
9.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
8.
Me: Being a mommy is a very important job.
3-year-old daughter: Does it pay a lot?
Me: It doesn’t pay anything.
3: I’ll be a mailman.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2016
7.
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
Me: It’s Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018