Noah Berman
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
1.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 5, 2017
2.
boss: where do you see yourself in 5 years
me: here
boss: excellent
me: but DEAD— tara shoe (@tarashoe) February 3, 2016
3.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 23, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/TheHyyyype/status/1032768386894372864
5.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) November 25, 2013
6.
https://twitter.com/ForkFrenzy/status/1032082798012641287
7.
https://twitter.com/usedwigs/status/1032082573642661888
8.
This truck just tried to sell me weed pic.twitter.com/crlp1CJ7KI
— john is toast (@johnistoasted) August 22, 2018
9.
https://twitter.com/SURGE/status/1031564013195251712
10.
Where were these fucking freedom of speech folks when I was banned from an AOL vampire fan group in 1997 for “taking vampires too seriously”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 19, 2018
11.
Telling a child that everyone dies is the hardest thing about being a party clown
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 13, 2016
12.
friend: you heard about those Qanon conspiracies?
me: it's pronounced 'keen-wah'— on bluesky at explod.es (@egg_dog) August 16, 2018
