Noah Berman
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
https://twitter.com/Kendragarden/status/884947873749651456
14.
A guy kept yelling "young lady!" at me but I didn't look up because I identify more as the 1,000 year old ghost of a ship captain.
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) September 30, 2017
13.
When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 30, 2018
12.
https://twitter.com/cottoncandaddy/status/1027798183617822720
11.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
— brent (@murrman5) June 22, 2018
10.
https://twitter.com/neonwario/status/1032979873139027971
9.
NARRATOR: I didn't want to just be a "good boy." I wanted to be a great boy. The greatest boy that ever lived. pic.twitter.com/YCYELPYRtG
— bornmiserable.bsky.social (@bornmiserable) March 10, 2017
8.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
— Rads (@_radsy) April 19, 2018
7.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
— Boog (@bewgtweets) August 30, 2018
6.
https://twitter.com/mrjohndarby/status/1034184813517918208
5.
[every time I watch the joy of painting]
*5 minutes in*
yellow ochre?? for a snow-covered mountain?! alright bob ross this time you've really lost it
*15 minutes in*
bob ross you son of a bitch
— david (@_elvishpresley_) March 21, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/roxiqt/status/1034872305061515265
3.
This is how my dog diffuses arguments in my house and honestly it works every time pic.twitter.com/xzd1AnFqJS
— v9e (@vinainij) August 28, 2018
2.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2015
1.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 13, 2013
