We can all stand to laugh a little more these days. Maybe even more now than ever before. While the news cycle remains all “doom and gloom” let this post be an oasis. Rest here, have some chuckles, and get yourself back to neutral. You deserve a break. It’s not too late to feel alive again. I promise at least one of these tweets will, if nothing else, make you crack a smile.
nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
— haunted Mr baby (@hippieswordfish) October 12, 2015
Finally, an R-rated superman movie.
People in the street (all nude): Look up in the sky it’s some shithead
Superman: sup fuckers
— vineyille (@vineyille) June 22, 2016
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
— Kyle 🌿 (@KylePlantEmoji) May 23, 2018
Once again in my quest to not eat sugar I have eaten Too Much Cheese
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 25, 2018
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
— Naomi Skwarna (@awomanskwarned) September 18, 2018
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
— dirt prince of darkness (@pants_leg) September 18, 2018
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
— pat tobin (spooky) (@tastefactory) February 28, 2014
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 17, 2016
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) September 19, 2018
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
— spookYgrene (@Ygrene) January 19, 2018
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
— Abam (@AdamBroud) July 3, 2018
Funny how language evolves. In the old days, you could say “I’m going to town on this horse” and it wasn’t a big deal.
— Female Batman (@ElleOhHell) January 21, 2016
doctor: what brings you here today
me: my car haha
doctor: (writing in chart) “not sexually active”
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 1, 2017
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) June 10, 2017
You think you’re gonna intimidate me just cause you have 8 legs and you can spin webs? I eat guys like you in my sleep according to studies
— Mike F (@mikefossey) September 7, 2018
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 7, 2018
Every time my therapist laughs at my jokes $5 should be deducted from my copay
— eggs (@prozacbabie) September 3, 2018
me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts
therapist: that’s the spirit
me: oh fuck where
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) July 9, 2018
pretty sure I’m dating arthritis pic.twitter.com/wzyesLwxKd
— even halloween has no joy anymore (@davedittell) April 12, 2017
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
— Mark Magarkenstein (@markedly) April 4, 2018
me: dog poop backwards is poop god
co-pilot: the intercom is on
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) September 18, 2018
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 27, 2018
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
— 🚑old tom🚑 (@YuckyTom) December 15, 2017
danny devito isn’t going to die he’s just going to keep getting smaller and more dense until he finally collapses into a blackhole and swallows the earth
— gracie booOOos 👻 (@cottoncandaddy) August 10, 2018