Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
https://twitter.com/usedwigs/status/1049844198495662080
14.
https://twitter.com/ziwe/status/1004744338839138305
13.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) October 5, 2018
12.
I saw my legacy revealed today when my kid stopped on our walk home to dig a candy wrapper out of a leaf pile "in case there was any left."
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) September 10, 2016
11.
The only way to cure a broken heart is to rip it out of your chest & offer it as a sacrifice to a forest witch.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) September 29, 2018
10.
Trying to spell hors d’oeuvres makes me n’oeuvre-ous.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 1, 2018
9.
I saw a little dog obeying French commands from its French owner and my first thought was, “This fucking dog is smarter than me.”
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 21, 2015
8.
The combination of these three commands for Alexa feels alarming pic.twitter.com/HZOFuzqwI8
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 12, 2018
7.
me: hey I’m Dave, headed to the airport
Uber driver: what’s your name?
me: …Dave
Uber driver: where you going?
me: …the airport
Uber driver: [touching his phone for fourteen minutes but I can see nothing’s changing on the screen] okay Big Dave ever been in the sky before
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) October 9, 2018
6.
Hey I’m offended by your costume. My dad was killed by a slutty tiger
— mustard clown (@markydoodoo) October 25, 2017
5.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.— Adrenalin (@adrenalindenver) September 3, 2017
4.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 10, 2018
3.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
2.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) October 9, 2018
1.
https://twitter.com/catstronomical/status/821549803238805505