When you reach a certain point in life, people around you inexplicably begin coupling up like they’re contestants on a dance-centric reality TV competition — which leaves befuddled single folk standing around in the wings, wondering WTF happened. While singledom can be fantastic (no sharing takeout, nobody judging you for staying home in pajamas all day, no uncomfortable realizations that you’re dating an assh*le), it also comes with its own set of challenges (way too much time on your hands, a crushing sense of loneliness, an inability to open certain pickle jars).
While being single can ultimately be a pretty fantastic lifestyle choice, it can be helpful to commiserate with other singletons about your mutual independence. After all, if you can’t laugh about the unsatisfactory loneliness, it might crush you forever. (But in, like, a fun, free-spirited way!)
Being single is the best. So much time to do what you want. Think and reflect. Stare into the void and try to remember what touch felt like.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 1, 2016
me: I want a relationship!!
someone: hi I’d like a relationship with you
— king of the pumpkin patch (@kala5000) February 7, 2017
When people ask why I’m single pic.twitter.com/ioJSIHOvyB
— Cam Salamone (@whamitscam) September 17, 2016
When a friend asks me when was the last time I got laid pic.twitter.com/MozkY2tERT
— Tsume (@TsumeAlphaWolf) February 23, 2016
ME: im sick of being single
FRIEND: want me to set u up with someone?
ME: absolutely not, i’d have to put on pants & talk. no thank u
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) November 19, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if I’m pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2012
I’m single by choice…of others.
— courtney (@ocourtneyno) August 27, 2012
When people ask about my Love Life > pic.twitter.com/l8H5J11Nef
— Ugly Naked Guy ? (@Femi_17) August 17, 2015
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
— Angie Davis ❤️’s peen (@AngieDavisHaha) January 31, 2014
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
— Jebby (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) January 1, 2016
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
— Reczit (@reczit) December 19, 2015
*sees friend at party arguing on the phone with their significant other*
me and my single self: “You good?” pic.twitter.com/YNmWs37tfI
— Christian (@killaxchristian) November 8, 2015
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
— Hitmonjake (@jakelikesnaps) August 5, 2014
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) December 7, 2014