I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
computer, i'm sad. show me a headline to cheer me up pic.twitter.com/2OlVTMeSvI
— beth, an alien™ (@bourgeoisalien) March 21, 2018
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I'd know how the outfit would look on me
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 22, 2017
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is a matter of great urgency. pic.twitter.com/xUdvUDP4X4
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) January 20, 2016
[putting the wrong type of shampoo on my enemy’s voodoo doll] enjoy a dry scalp you son of a bitch
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) October 18, 2018
Me: [At home alone] wow. I am so unbelievably lonely.
Me: [At a party] TOO MUCH
— Yael, but like, haunted (@elle91) October 16, 2018
wife: How long has it been?
me: About an hour
toddler *still trying to eat his soup with the fork he demanded*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 8, 2018
If by "morning person" you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I'm a morning person.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) August 28, 2016
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it's Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) October 17, 2018
Why does Kid Rock look like Dr. Phil dressed up as Kid Rock pic.twitter.com/BGgyLyyOqu
— Jacob Shaw (@jakesaysyousuck) October 15, 2018
we drink coffee and do our tasks like we have so much time left but every day we’re a little bit closer to become cosmic dust. no, brenda. this email does not find me well.
— meh (haunted) (@bonehugsnirony) October 2, 2018
Did I just get owned by a fortune cookie? pic.twitter.com/dVxeFTmfLl
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 19, 2018
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
— Usa Washington (@neonwario) August 24, 2018
do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth pic.twitter.com/kWlEKs9LjV
— boopy bruce (@weasel_babe) February 26, 2017
when a random stranger asks me to watch their stuff for them pic.twitter.com/nOnsOpZX2o
— Babyface Killah🗡 (@foxybrownstan) October 14, 2018
DAD: son last night your grandmother was canceled
SON: nana took an L???
DAD: click hear to pay $4.99 to view funeral without ads
— everett byram (@rad_milk) October 15, 2018