I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
Just thought I’d re-post this old photo of our dog Darby being too lazy to get up when the mail was dropped on him through the door-slot. pic.twitter.com/a3XPJC0XyX— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) February 3, 2018
WHAT THE TAPBACK TEXTING EMOJIS REALLY MEAN :— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 21, 2018
Thumbs up = great now shut up
Thumbs down = plain shut up
Exclamation point = you’re insane
Question mark = I’m passive aggressive
Heart = these words are like the siren’s song and I, a lonely sailor
"Cold...so cold...getting dark...I'm not..going...to make it. Tell my husband...I love...d hating The Doors. Just...the worst...so awful..."— Sexy Rigged Election (@NicCageMatch) July 2, 2014
My favorite part of being an adult is looking back at childhood and trying to deduce which grown-ups in charge were just barely keeping it together.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 23, 2018
There should be a friendly horn sound in cars so u can be like boop thank u friend— Legend of Chelda (@legendofchelda) January 7, 2017
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?— Ray of the Dead (@SirEviscerate) October 25, 2018
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don't appreciate your accusations
friend: so, things are going well?— Kellen (@captainkalvis) October 17, 2018
Girlfriend: he’s so sweet
[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]
Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-
[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]
doctor: are you sexually active— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) October 9, 2018
me: [drinking an entire glass of water]
my puppet: no
Its actually healthier to perch like a gargoyle on your toilet seat when you take a shit.— tanks (@Burger_Time_) September 11, 2014
Honey, I Shrunk Everything. I Know You Can't Tell Because Everything Is The Same Size Relatively, But I've Done Some Incredible Science Here— 🧐 (@sam_reginald) August 7, 2014
No love for no hitters from me. Congrats on doing your job properly— big baby boy (@trillballins) April 22, 2018
Ruined my day by realizing that the song Monster Mash is about a song called the Monster Mash and we’ve never actually heard that song.— Lord Hellvarez (@ObscureGent) October 27, 2017
me: just bear with me— andrew (@AndrewChamings) November 1, 2017
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
God: Build me an ark.— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) April 22, 2017
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.— Marloween (@Marlebean) September 27, 2013