I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
Nothing is perfect but making meaningful eye-contact with a dog in public is close.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) November 2, 2018
ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) June 14, 2013
WHEN YOU'RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that's you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) October 17, 2018
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 16, 2018
Just thought I’d re-post this old photo of our dog Darby being too lazy to get up when the mail was dropped on him through the door-slot. pic.twitter.com/a3XPJC0XyX
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) February 3, 2018
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient?
Frog: rib it
Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here
— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2015
imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left ten minutes into it. dick move, right? my point is old people shouldn't get to vote
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) March 23, 2016
bee lands on car window
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) November 5, 2018
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 13, 2017
doctor: you'll never walk again
me: oh god
doctor: the heely implants were a success
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) November 5, 2018
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
— Trey (@continentlbkfst) November 2, 2018
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 12, 2018
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
— Radrosaur (@CopernicusG) February 21, 2018
date: so tell me a little bit about yourself
me: [remembering girls appreciate honesty] i am a piece of shit
— viking! (@NOTVIKING) October 22, 2018
[paramedics approaching me after accident in taco bell drive thru] oh god
[me pinned under the steering wheel] a lotta this is salsa
— brent (@murrman5) July 4, 2018