Mike
I’ve been on twitter for about 6 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to find hilarious jokes for this list every week. You’d think I’d run out at some point, but nope. Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is my absolute pleasure to bring you this list every week. I assure you it is as much fun for me to make as it is for you to read. So thank you for continuing to visit this, because it means I get to continue putting it together. Please enjoy this week’s roundup, and always remember: retweets mean everything.
15.
Nothing is perfect but making meaningful eye-contact with a dog in public is close.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) November 2, 2018
14.
https://twitter.com/frenchielaboozi/status/345415448797540352
13.
https://twitter.com/SomeChrisTweets/status/1052611611146371072
12.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 16, 2018
11.
Just thought I’d re-post this old photo of our dog Darby being too lazy to get up when the mail was dropped on him through the door-slot. pic.twitter.com/a3XPJC0XyX
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) February 3, 2018
10.
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient?
Frog: rib it
Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2015
9.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
— Madison (@madisonbosil) April 21, 2019
8.
bee lands on car window
*locks doors*— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) November 5, 2018
7.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/874667610763214848
6.
[after surgery]
doctor: you'll never walk again
me: oh god
doctor: the heely implants were a success
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) November 5, 2018
5.
https://twitter.com/continentlbkfst/status/1058468818702553090
4.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 12, 2018
3.
https://twitter.com/CopernicusG/status/966371914280153088
2.
https://twitter.com/NOTVIKING/status/1054502828687876096
1.
[paramedics approaching me after accident in taco bell drive thru] oh god
[me pinned under the steering wheel] a lotta this is salsa— brent (@murrman5) July 4, 2018