One of my favorite pastimes is sitting on my porch, having a few cold beers, and staring at twitter for hours on end. You’d think I’d get bored of it after a while but Twitter just keeps pumping out great content day after day.
These tweets are the cream of the crop. The best of the best. The most RTed tweets from the last couple weeks you’d have to be dead inside not to laugh at. Not that I’m judging. I’d say most of us are a little dead inside these days. Ugh. Sorry, I’m hungover.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
— Amy Carroll (@Carroll_Amy_) November 9, 2018
Someone posted this to our neighborhood message board and I will never recover. pic.twitter.com/1uWwOKHHsZ
— Hannah Solow (@hamstertalk) November 8, 2018
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) November 7, 2018
i fucking love being from the midwest. i can tell the most basic anecdote from my childhood, like how i grew up eating chocolate chip bagels with chocolate chip cream cheese, and three new yorkers will die immediately
— ahmed ali akbar (@radbrowndads) November 9, 2018
On route to the next interview in Dublin this afternoon and we came across this poor confused fella who was stuck in the middle of the main road. Having experienced many Swan rescues down the years I knew I could help… mission accomplished…now happy and safe at home x pic.twitter.com/wXoOIk8JKP
— Noel Fitzpatrick (@ProfNoelFitz) November 6, 2018
always thinking about how the US Geological Survey couldn’t classify this bee so they put its genus and species into their official government files as “bee cute furry face” pic.twitter.com/Dn0Z4OipsT
— reply bi (@BUGPOSTING) November 7, 2018
my gut feeling: don't do it
me: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'll do it
— Adam¡ (@TheAdamCardenas) January 2, 2018
Thanks to all the hard working community members of Flavortown. It was a delicious campaign and we are rollin out for another 4 years. pic.twitter.com/YkNVARsZKn
— Guy Fieri (@GuyFieri) November 7, 2018
Do y’all play your Wii circumcised or uncircumcised pic.twitter.com/2ao4x01XC2
— froop loop (@wylderwynd) November 6, 2018
doctor: you'll never walk again
me: oh god
doctor: the heely implants were a success
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) November 5, 2018
Why y’all ain’t tell me these people were real pic.twitter.com/eIC9yY1IV8
— Lil Fool. (@FoolishNard) November 6, 2018
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn't get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went "boating."
— McKay Coppins (@mckaycoppins) November 6, 2018
sometimes i get really concerned about things very suddenly like i’ll be chillin then all the sudden be like “o shit where’s my birth certificate”
— jenna death (@dumper_pupper69) August 22, 2018
just remember that when you see photos of dogs with "i voted" stickers that all those dogs have committed voter fraud
— Steven Rich (@dataeditor) November 6, 2018
So my sister is in Hawaii right now and sent pics to the group message and my dad responds with this pic.twitter.com/f2M2R0RGCc
— Kylie Fritz (@kjfritz13) November 2, 2018
How is it almost 2019 and I STILL can't hear the TV while I eat chips?
— Kay Brown (@kayyorkcity) November 4, 2018
Did Grimace die??? pic.twitter.com/TLKfsscMnu
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) November 3, 2018
I found a tiny denim jacket at goodwill pic.twitter.com/xRpr0ZEX8Q
— alysse (@alyssemazakian) November 4, 2018
anxiety: aren’t you like…worried?
me: about what?
me: oh my god you’re right pic.twitter.com/IrfYAL4gHt
— ashlyn marrs (@ashlynmarrs913) October 24, 2018