Each week I sift through thousands of funny tweets to bring you the best of the best, and yeah, I might have been a little drunk while doing it. However, upon reading them in the sober light of day, I am pleased to inform you they hold up.
In 1998 I *begged* my mom to buy me JNCO jeans.
She agreed, but only on the condition we do a photoshoot to prove to my future self how stupid I looked.
Look who's laughing now, mom. pic.twitter.com/guTjRSk31N
— Zach Kornfeld (@korndiddy) December 7, 2018
— meg cramer (@Meg_Cramer) December 8, 2018
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
— jake (@rankin_jake) December 8, 2018
My sister is in a sorority & honestly if I see one more post of how much she loves her “big” ok IM YOUR ACTUAL BIG SISTER SORRY I DONT WRITE U LITTLE NOTES ABOUT HOW YOU FELL FROM A RAINBOW & SPROUTED INTO A TULIP BUT I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO WEAR A TAMPON have some respect
— carmen sandeigo (@jaleighavery7) December 7, 2018
Told my son The Lion King came out when I was a kid. He asked me if it was in color. Fuck you lil boy. 😡
— Way Jae (@Wayjay83) January 28, 2017
find the android user:
can’t find them?
that’s because they live among us, looking like normal people. the only real difference is that 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓬𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼.
— ari ADAM GAY (@spinnerellas) December 5, 2018
about to send my professors a “y’all won” group email
— bolu tani-olu (@bolutaniolu) December 6, 2018
this is how lil kids cough pic.twitter.com/sXZx4AKNO4
— aliah (@shitaliah) December 3, 2018
One of my blinds broke in my bedroom so I just went to CVS pic.twitter.com/0QghmXKZ7R
— andrew (@andrewnolan2) December 5, 2018
Thee funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time, my view from work pic.twitter.com/LDVsYhpVVL
— Donnell Anderson (@aggravatedman) December 5, 2018
stop 🗣 killing 🗣 scottish 🗣 people 🗣 to make 🗣 scotch 🗣 tape 🗣
— taylor (@tay_mc_) December 4, 2018
nick jonas is married what the fuck am I supposed to do with this😔 pic.twitter.com/lCz2U4kv24
— andrea (@_andreavarela_) December 4, 2018
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward
— Danya (@dxxnya) December 4, 2018
There’s a coyote outside. You know what that means: coyote vest time! pic.twitter.com/Pj164giawL
— Amina Akhtar (@Drrramina) December 3, 2018
Today the 1st grader I was watching said that she didn’t understand why kindergarten got naps because it’s the easiest grade. She said that college kids should have naps because they only get like 3 hours of sleep a night.
Make her president
— Abby (@AbigailMulholl1) December 4, 2018
This is why I chose Cal State Fullerton over Harvard https://t.co/Xh3AALDHqa
— Michael Huntley (@mikehuntley63) December 4, 2018
hey guys excited to announce I’ve dropped out of uni to draw porn on tumblr full time. well time to check the news
— olive (@suncaverns) December 3, 2018
thanks a lot, mike pic.twitter.com/ls0PLTm3BM
— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) December 5, 2018
literally just skipped class because i couldn’t find a parking spot. if that doesn’t explain my tolerance level for bullshit in 2019 idk what does
— devan (@devanlunceford2) December 4, 2018
One of my students has used the word "fucktangular" in an informal essay to describe a situation that was complicated and messy in multiple unpleasant and difficult ways. I am in the presence of greatness and I am stealing this word.
— Hanne Blank (@hanneblank) December 3, 2018
some financial tips:
-pay off ur min. credit card payments
-create a budget
-save a portion of each paycheck
-oh none of this working? then it’s heist time baby
-get the gang back together
-one last job, then u can all retire
-u did it!!
-but at what cost? rick died in the heist
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 2, 2018
So I sent a Google survey to everyone who's ghosted me in the last six months pic.twitter.com/7hf66t7ssX
— ｊａｚ ｓｕｆｉ (@calamityjaz) December 2, 2018
– red dead redemption
– super smash brothers
– roller coaster tycoon
– zoo tycoon
– nytimes crossword app
– google drive
— bug (@BUGPOSTING) December 3, 2018