Mike
Each week I sift through thousands of funny tweets to bring you the best of the best, and yeah, I might have been a little drunk while doing it. However, upon reading them in the sober light of day, I am pleased to inform you they hold up.
1.
In 1998 I *begged* my mom to buy me JNCO jeans.
She agreed, but only on the condition we do a photoshoot to prove to my future self how stupid I looked.
Look who's laughing now, mom. pic.twitter.com/guTjRSk31N
— Zach Kornfeld (@korndiddy) December 7, 2018
2.
what pic.twitter.com/ec7O5INcEN
— meg cramer (@Meg_Cramer) December 8, 2018
3.
https://twitter.com/StillerCj/status/1071069935797972992
4.
At my funeral I wonโt need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
— jake (@rankin_jake) December 8, 2018
5.
My sister is in a sorority & honestly if I see one more post of how much she loves her โbigโ ok IM YOUR ACTUAL BIG SISTER SORRY I DONT WRITE U LITTLE NOTES ABOUT HOW YOU FELL FROM A RAINBOW & SPROUTED INTO A TULIP BUT I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO WEAR A TAMPON have some respect
— carmen sandeigo (@jaleighavery7) December 7, 2018
6.
https://twitter.com/Wayjay83/status/825371688200237058
7.
find the android user:
๐ฉ๐ป๐ฉ๐ผ๐ฉ๐ฝ๐ฉ๐พ๐ฉ๐ฟ๐ฉ๐ป๐ฉ๐ผ๐ฉ๐ฝ๐ฉ๐พ๐ฉ๐ฟ
๐จ๐ป๐จ๐ผ๐จ๐ฝ๐จ๐พ๐จ๐ฟ๐จ๐ป๐จ๐ผ๐จ๐ฝ๐จ๐พ๐จ๐ฟ
๐ง๐ป๐ง๐ผ๐ง๐ฝ๐ง๐พ๐ง๐ฟ๐ง๐ป๐ง๐ผ๐ง๐ฝ๐ง๐พ๐ง๐ฟ
๐ฆ๐ป๐ฆ๐ผ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ฆ๐พ๐ฆ๐ฟ๐ฆ๐ป๐ฆ๐ผ๐ฆ๐ฝ๐ฆ๐พ๐ฆ๐ฟcanโt find them?
thatโs because they live among us, looking like normal people. the only real difference is that ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐ ๐ฌ๐ช๐ท๐ฝ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ผ.
— ADAM GAY (@spinnerellas) December 5, 2018
8.
about to send my professors a โyโall wonโ group email
— bolu tani-olu (@bolutaniolu) December 6, 2018
9.
this is how lil kids cough pic.twitter.com/sXZx4AKNO4
— aliah (@shitaliah) December 3, 2018
10.
One of my blinds broke in my bedroom so I just went to CVS pic.twitter.com/0QghmXKZ7R
— andrew (@andrewnolan2) December 5, 2018
11.
Thee funniest thing Iโve seen in a long time, my view from work pic.twitter.com/LDVsYhpVVL
— Donnell Anderson (@aggravatedman) December 5, 2018
12.
https://twitter.com/tay_mc_/status/1070070471012474880
13.
nick jonas is married what the fuck am I supposed to do with this๐ pic.twitter.com/lCz2U4kv24
— andrea (@_andreavarela_) December 4, 2018
14.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward
— Danya (@dxxnya) December 4, 2018
15.
Thereโs a coyote outside. You know what that means: coyote vest time! pic.twitter.com/Pj164giawL
— Amina Akhtar (@Drrramina) December 3, 2018
16.
Today the 1st grader I was watching said that she didnโt understand why kindergarten got naps because itโs the easiest grade. She said that college kids should have naps because they only get like 3 hours of sleep a night.
Make her president— Abby (@AbigailMulholl1) December 4, 2018
17.
This is why I chose Cal State Fullerton over Harvard https://t.co/Xh3AALDHqa
— Michael Huntley (@mikehuntley63) December 4, 2018
18.
hey guys excited to announce Iโve dropped out of uni to draw porn on tumblr full time. well time to check the news
— olive (@suncaverns) December 3, 2018
19.
thanks a lot, mike pic.twitter.com/ls0PLTm3BM
— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) December 5, 2018
20.
literally just skipped class because i couldnโt find a parking spot. if that doesnโt explain my tolerance level for bullshit in 2019 idk what does
— devan (@devanlunceford2) December 4, 2018
21.
One of my students has used the word "fucktangular" in an informal essay to describe a situation that was complicated and messy in multiple unpleasant and difficult ways. I am in the presence of greatness and I am stealing this word.
— Hanne Blank (@hanneblank) December 3, 2018
22.
https://twitter.com/itsKhyamii/status/1069413775395053569
23.
some financial tips:
-pay off ur min. credit card payments
-create a budget
-save a portion of each paycheck
-oh none of this working? then itโs heist time baby
-get the gang back together
-one last job, then u can all retire
-u did it!!
-but at what cost? rick died in the heist— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 2, 2018
24.
So I sent a Google survey to everyone who's ghosted me in the last six months pic.twitter.com/7hf66t7ssX
— ๏ฝ๏ฝ๏ฝ ๏ฝ๏ฝ๏ฝ๏ฝ (@calamityjaz) December 2, 2018
25.
FAKE โGAMERSโ
– fortnite
– red dead redemption
– fallout
– super smash brothersREAL GAMERS
– roller coaster tycoon
– zoo tycoon
– 2048
– nytimes crossword app
– google drive— bug (@BUGPOSTING) December 3, 2018