Lex
For many of us, the idea of dying is pretty scary. Not only are we enamored by the idea of “what happens next,” but we’re also worried if anyone will care that we’re gone. Like, how much do you wonder if people will actually show up to your funeral? No? Just me? Okay then. Well, with all of my constant anxiety of being remembered as a good person and actually having people come to mourn me, I can now rest assured knowing I can always pay some great people out there to stand at my funeral to make it look like I was liked and cared for.
26-year-old writer and journalist Dana Schwartz recently shared a brilliant idea on Twitter saying that for $50, she’ll come to your funeral and stand far away, holding a black umbrella and looking shady—so people will think that you have lived a secret life and died a mystery. Honestly…amazing.
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 3, 2019
She also provided her Venmo account information, you know, in case people actually wanted to cash in and have Schwartz attend their funeral—eventually. She also made some other hefty promises along with her funeral attendance.
my venmo is dana-schwartz-11 I will need the money deposited in advanced, and your obituary will need to be published in a newspaper so I can write a code on the back and leave it at your grave for someone to find. the code will be nonsense.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 3, 2019
And, people actually Venmo’d Schwartz with some requests.
EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO FIND A VINTAGE CIGARETTE HOLDER STAT. I HAVE A FUNERAL TO MOROSELY GAZE UPON. pic.twitter.com/hOeQcSggdX
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 3, 2019
But, the jokes on those who really paid her—because, she said she’ll show up for sure.
people venmoing me: jokes on you, I’m actually coming to your funeral.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 4, 2019
But, people on Twitter had a lot of other requests for Schwartz. Like, this guy who wanted a birthday mystery.
I will pay you $50 if you show up on my birthday but stand really far away, holding a bouquet of flowers and gifts 🎁, so that my wife👩🏼 think I am still in the race.
— milan motavar (@milanmmotavar) January 5, 2019
And, these wild detailed requests…
Ill give you $75 if when the casket is going down you walk over and place a small box on top and say only loud enough for a few people to hear “if they only knew”
— dick (@spursyyank) January 5, 2019
$100 if she smears her eye makeup and leaves a single rose in my casket, drinks from a flask and leaves without saying a word.
— PATRICK HAYES (@HAZE1075) January 5, 2019
How much for the spectral package? Weighted clothes that stay unmoving even in a stiff wind, vanishing abruptly through clever misdirection, heavy makeup to appear definitively dead, vague whispered warnings and/or sobbing softly,clearly audible even after you’ve disappeared, etc
— Bill, a GM (@gm_wggames) January 5, 2019
I’m donating my body to science
$50 if you show up in a lab coat incredibly worried and asking “Did she ever mention having a wierd skeleton?”
Extra $200 if you put a fake skeleton in your car and mutter “Jesus christ she found me”— MissCryptid (@MissCryptid) January 6, 2019
Extra $50 if you’re gone two seconds later when people look again.
— Kevin Demsky (@Luxescene) January 6, 2019
Ummmmm…. I’ll pay you $50 to do exactly this. Add this on top of slowly playing the music to a jack in the box the entire time my casket is closed and its gonna be one hell of a funeral 💪
— Matt M (@MattM071) January 5, 2019
For $80 can you also silently dab away tears from behind a pair of large dark sunglasses?
— TrenchCoat4Hire (@TrenchCoat4Hire) January 5, 2019
I’ll throw in an extra 500 for a red hat or red dress.
— BandanaChris ☮️ (@BandanaChris) January 5, 2019
How much to walk up to a random funeral attendee, hand them a manilla envelope full of gibberish financial documents and say “He said you would understand these. Don’t contact me again. They could be watching.”
— GrayKnighted (@GrayKnighted) January 7, 2019
It’s great to see that everyone on Twitter wants to leave the Earth f*cking with their family and loved ones. I love me some shady folks. Thanks for making me look forward to death, y’all.