No one has better tweets than Twitter. I know that seems like a silly thing to say, but these days you see funny tweets popping up on all of the other social media platforms too. However, if you want to find the good stuff, I find it’s best to go right to the source.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
— Daniel Kibblesmith @ NYCC AA-A28☃️ (@kibblesmith) January 14, 2019
danny devito isn’t going to die he’s just going to keep getting smaller and more dense until he finally collapses into a blackhole and swallows the earth
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) August 10, 2018
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
— Alisha Rai (@AlishaRai) January 9, 2019
my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"
— stellmon (@stellmoney) January 10, 2019
There was once a girl in my high school who filled a Dunkin’ Donuts cup with a Loko and got so drunk DURING SCHOOL HOURS she pissed herself in Spanish class u may think people forget the story Jackie but I can assure you they!!! do!!!! not!!!
— Tinderella (@ballerguy) January 9, 2019
Yo don’t come to NYC to chase ur dreams if u can’t walk fuckin fast son
— SP (@Sherissepena3) January 6, 2019
someone drew me fan art but replaced my headphones with airpods and then insulted me for being broke in the caption i— pic.twitter.com/ebEVJUu5Bi
— stop calling me emo (@baldboyblues) January 9, 2019
when the 17th cup of coffee doesn’t give me energy and fills me with more of the same pure uncut anxiety as the first 16 cups pic.twitter.com/yrdLPRhErT
— Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) January 10, 2019
Hayi hayi they Robed my child how could this be possible? pic.twitter.com/a5v4TwpkgC
— IG:Mo (@MawandeCakata) January 9, 2019
— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) January 10, 2019
How ironic that there are suddenly far more Marie Kondo jokes than necessary.
— David Tveite (@tveitprivilege) January 9, 2019
My grandmother has a new “friend” at her retirement community. He takes her shopping and to get her hair and nails done.
She told me that his wife doesn’t mind because she has Alzheimer’s.
— lahren (@laa_ren) January 7, 2019
Mas nakix pic.twitter.com/ibe78EyEmf
— ᴬᴸᴱˣᴵˢ (@_vlexis) January 1, 2019
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
THERE’S A DOG SITTING AT THIS BAR WEARING A HAT AND EATING AND EVERYONE IS JUST PRETENDING LIKE ITS NO BIG DEAL??? pic.twitter.com/vA4AdvSCqo
— Josie Brechner 🌺🗡 (@visagermusic) January 14, 2019
I asked TSA agent if I should take out my laptop out of its case and she said “I don’t care, I’m not getting paid”
— Anna G (@annagedstad) January 6, 2019
Sooo I was SUPER nervous for my first date with this guy tonight and then an hour before our date he sent me a snap video saying “wish me luck on my date buddy” and panned to his dog handshaking him. In that moment I knew he was a keeper
— amanda (@amanda_c_rae) June 23, 2018
Since hair can’t be preserved in fossils we can’t rule out the possibility that dinosaurs looked like this pic.twitter.com/dJooeSBqgr
— ᶜʰᵃⁿᶜᵉ¨̮ (@_ChaChaChance) January 6, 2019