Mike
Twitter brought the heat this week. These funny jokes will put a smile on your face guaranteed, or your money back. I mean, they’re free, but you get the point. Enjoy, and be sure to check back next week for another round.
1.
I don't need a personal essay with your online recipe. JUST GET TO HOW I MAKE THE FUCKING CAKE.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 12, 2016
2.
Hey Pets,
No more free ride, assholes! pic.twitter.com/6ueqHDQWin
— Dan Ewen Ⓥ (@VaguelyFunnyDan) February 19, 2015
3.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 26, 2019
4.
I didn't feel like doing dishes after dinner guests, so I just left them in the sink, and now we move from town to town, riding the rails, running from the past.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) January 24, 2019
5.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 26, 2018
6.
I saw two rabbits today, or possibly the same rabbit twice
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) May 31, 2017
7.
ME: where’s the bathroom
MC ESCHER: its upstairs
ME: fuck you— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) September 20, 2017
8.
https://twitter.com/Beesthegame/status/514456765686370304
9.
goodnight Moon "GOODNIGHT DAVE" *the Moon & I awkwardly walk in the same direction toward our cars*
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) July 21, 2013
10.
*Movie's 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) March 26, 2018
11.
https://twitter.com/roxiqt/status/1081690768949923840
12.
https://twitter.com/alliewach/status/547496242407022592
13.
listen *drags cigarette* you don't wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
— capitalism liker (@HumanPog) June 1, 2013
14.
doing this but leaving it as a regular lasagne, surprise bitches we're not having a baby,you just got invited to a lasagne party https://t.co/koiEEFMic4
— on bluesky at explod.es (@egg_dog) January 23, 2019
15.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/1040114564782669824