Twitter brought the heat this week. These Twitter jokes will put a smile on your face guaranteed, or your money back. I mean, they’re free, but you get the point. Enjoy, and be sure to check back next week for another round.
I don't need a personal essay with your online recipe. JUST GET TO HOW I MAKE THE FUCKING CAKE.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 12, 2016
No more free ride, assholes! pic.twitter.com/6ueqHDQWin
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) February 19, 2015
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 26, 2019
I didn't feel like doing dishes after dinner guests, so I just left them in the sink, and now we move from town to town, riding the rails, running from the past.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) January 24, 2019
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 26, 2018
I saw two rabbits today, or possibly the same rabbit twice
— captain glasses (@online_shawn) May 31, 2017
ME: where’s the bathroom
MC ESCHER: its upstairs
ME: fuck you
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 20, 2017
*yelling over music at club*
"WANNA RIDE BIKES?"
*handle bars gesture*
"BIKES, DO YOU WANNA RIDE THEM?!"
— Max Krime (@Beesthegame) September 23, 2014
goodnight Moon "GOODNIGHT DAVE" *the Moon & I awkwardly walk in the same direction toward our cars*
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) July 21, 2013
*Movie's 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) March 26, 2018
sorry i said ur boyfriend looks like a magician
— jugs bunny (@alliewach) December 23, 2014
listen *drags cigarette* you don't wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
— capitalism liker (@HumanPog) June 1, 2013
doing this but leaving it as a regular lasagne, surprise bitches we're not having a baby,you just got invited to a lasagne party https://t.co/koiEEFMic4
— L A S A G N E P A R T Y (@egg_dog) January 23, 2019
*giving eulogy* knock knock
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 13, 2018