Mike
Twitter is a bottomless well of funny jokes. I put together this list of tweets every week and you’d think I’d eventually run out, but nope. As I dig through Twitter not only do I find great new tweets but old also old ones I missed, and then I bring them here to you.
1.
https://twitter.com/khodega/status/1099555367074226176
2.
[national dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it
Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it We're dad
Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"*
*entire conference loses their shit*
— kelly (@BoyYeetsWorld) February 23, 2019
3.
https://twitter.com/zenuhhh/status/1099496549481136131
4.
https://twitter.com/ashleighjwil/status/1099622767333437440
5.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!— marf (@MarfSalvador) April 12, 2018
6.
7.
Every phone is a folding phone if you're strong enough.
— Marques Brownlee (@MKBHD) February 24, 2019
8.
bitch face + bad eyesight =everyone thinks you hate them
— san (@sanaxsff) February 23, 2019
9.
correct me if i'm wrong but i feel like nothing should cost more than 35 dollars?
— steph (@steph_mcca) February 20, 2019
10.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn't start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) February 21, 2019
11.
this customer walked in 10 SECONDS before we CLOSED and she had the audacity to yell “yay i made it” bitch you made what? made me mad?
— evelyn (@evelynnleee) February 19, 2019
12.
13.
https://twitter.com/Tricky_2018/status/1095962542659325952
14.
https://twitter.com/clairedaniellem/status/1020867828130476032
15.
Cop: can I get your proof of insurance
High ass friend: pic.twitter.com/hGDEiR5hL8
— Fvckoff (@ortizx408) February 19, 2019
16.
https://twitter.com/jaredlholt/status/1098568399125397505
17.
https://twitter.com/kittyballball/status/1098270978428334080
18.
Please sign my petition to rename giving birth “going number 3”
— angry wet spider (@birdbutterer) February 19, 2019
19.
If You See Something (a dog wearing a tie), Say Something ("hello handsome").
— ♥mark magark♥ (@markedly) February 20, 2019
20.
https://twitter.com/itmightbetrin/status/1098027026903113729
21.
GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 4, 2018
22.
https://twitter.com/MuseZack/status/1098278578158858240
23.
https://twitter.com/JarrodTheLord/status/1097949451749081100
24.
https://twitter.com/trapppo/status/1097720116278640641
25.
TRUE FACT OF THE DAY: When falcon breeders want to breed falcons, they wear special falcon sex hats. The hat encourages the falcon to shag the breeder's head and collects the falcon sperm, which can then be artificially inseminated.
I'll say that again: FALCON SEX HATS. pic.twitter.com/tKy0FXP9Mk
— RedScharlach (@redfacts) February 19, 2019