Twitter is a bottomless well of funny jokes. I put together this list of tweets every week and you’d think I’d eventually run out, but nope. As I dig through Twitter not only do I find great new tweets but old also old ones I missed, and then I bring them here to you.
[national dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it
Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it We're dad
Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"*
*entire conference loses their shit*
— kelly (@BoyYeetsWorld) February 23, 2019
deep convos with ur dad >>>> pic.twitter.com/6OBpBvMCaX
— zena (@zenuhhh) February 24, 2019
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 12, 2018
Every phone is a folding phone if you're strong enough.
— Marques Brownlee (@MKBHD) February 24, 2019
bitch face + bad eyesight =everyone thinks you hate them
— san (@sanaxsff) February 23, 2019
correct me if i'm wrong but i feel like nothing should cost more than 35 dollars?
— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) February 20, 2019
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn't start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) February 21, 2019
this customer walked in 10 SECONDS before we CLOSED and she had the audacity to yell “yay i made it” bitch you made what? made me mad?
— evelyn (@evelynnleee) February 19, 2019
For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer.
I was sad I didn't get one this year!
First my gran dies, now this!
— Tricky (@Tricky_2018) February 14, 2019
yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”
— charlie mcavoy’s cheeks (@clairedaniellem) July 22, 2018
Cop: can I get your proof of insurance
High ass friend: pic.twitter.com/hGDEiR5hL8
— Fvckoff (@ortizx408) February 19, 2019
This is a Pikachu made of butter that I saw in Istanbul. I cannot stop thinking about it. pic.twitter.com/iT8PEcGCZK
— Jared Holt (@jaredlholt) February 21, 2019
Holy fuck this car on the highway in front of us is packed with sheep pic.twitter.com/wRYCpKNnp2
— Long John (@kittyballball) February 20, 2019
Please sign my petition to rename giving birth “going number 3”
— angry wet spider (@birdbutterer) February 19, 2019
If You See Something (a dog wearing a tie), Say Something ("hello handsome").
— Mark Magark (@markedly) February 20, 2019
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 4, 2018
Reminder that the Los Angeles federal courthouse has a statue of Abraham Lincoln where he's a shirtless young stud suggestively tugging at his waistband like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model: pic.twitter.com/32bjqEERYi
— Zack Stentz (@MuseZack) February 20, 2019
"So what would you have done if i wasn't on that leash?" pic.twitter.com/ceDhlaSniq
— Who Tf (@Jayintee_) February 19, 2019
when you wake up and realized you’ve drooled all over the pillow pic.twitter.com/8jRHKezBiE
— Alex (@trapppo) February 19, 2019
TRUE FACT OF THE DAY: When falcon breeders want to breed falcons, they wear special falcon sex hats. The hat encourages the falcon to shag the breeder's head and collects the falcon sperm, which can then be artificially inseminated.
I'll say that again: FALCON SEX HATS. pic.twitter.com/tKy0FXP9Mk
— RedScharlach (@redfacts) February 19, 2019