While Mike Primavera already does a pretty damn good job with his coed weekly funny tweet roundup, we also think that until women get paid as much as men, it’s our duty to single out funny female tweets. Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.
DISCLAIMER: the headline “23 Women Who Made Us Piss Our Pants Laughing This Week” is a bit misleading. Truth be told, no one makes us piss our pants. We do it because we like it.
1.
in their first year of college https://t.co/2TWATItneu
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 2, 2019
2.
Giants Strippers
š¤
Grinding menās bones to make their bread— cas says free palestine (@CrappyFumes) August 1, 2019
3.
A short film titled āPretending to fix my hair in the bathroom mirror for a really long time because Iām waiting for someone to leave so I can take my big shitā pic.twitter.com/gyYlM1rsWH
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) August 1, 2019
4.
our internet isnāt connected yet and my husband owns 3 DVDs: 28 Days Later, the Matrix and season 5 of the Simpsons. I feel like Iām in a college guyās ātake 3 thingsā desert island answer
— Lucy Valentine (@LucyXIV) July 31, 2019
5.
My kink is watching men saunter into female-dominated workout classes thinking theyāre in for a relaxing hour, then dying on top of their 7.5 pound weights when they realizes women are strong as f*ck.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) July 29, 2019
6.
Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, āI like your unicorn backpack.ā The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, āMaybe you can get one someday.ā Then she disappeared through the doggy door
— Brit Bennett (@britrbennett) July 28, 2019
7.
I knew a guy who got his mouth stuck on a doorknob cause he wanted to prove he could suck a dick that big. Heās a cop now. pic.twitter.com/5RlHPPFfTV
— Lauren Hough (@laurenthehough) July 28, 2019
8.
All of my tattoos are meaningful. They mean Iām fucking sick.
— genesis (@kornrare) July 30, 2019
9.
me: yāall fr be catering to grown ass men??? smh
my bf: my neck hurts I think I slept on it funny
me: pic.twitter.com/GDVQsdcTlE
— RUBY (@rubysoleiI) July 30, 2019
10.
Sex is good but have you ever gotten a dm from someone saying your ex was so bad at DJ-ing he is no longer allowed back in the establishment?
— Whacktose Intolerant (@MillyTamarez) August 1, 2019
11.
When someone unworthy of you wants to smash pic.twitter.com/Nbv88moSVH
— Mara āGet Rid of the Nazisā Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 2, 2019
12.
https://twitter.com/maddiwray6/status/1156680276753506304
13.
The urgent care doctor who couldn't do anything for my tooth hurting said, "Go ahead and take a prescription amount of Advil, that's 4." I said, "I take 4 Advil at a time when I'm not in pain."
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 31, 2019
14.
You ever throw me into a pool, im dying off principal. Have fun with that murder charge pic.twitter.com/rdhDygqSH2
— lil zessst (@Seoul_Calibur) July 28, 2019
15.
Vibrator died so you know what i have to do
pic.twitter.com/PUgf8YmXAS— (intern)al pain (@Revelacaa) July 30, 2019
16.
ah shit. I just remembered everything I have ever said and done. and it's not great
— eClaire (looking for hot/nice bf age 28-34) (@themanburglar) August 1, 2019
17.
I just want to say, if I donāt marry a man that does whatever weird shit our kids want than I have failed as a parent. pic.twitter.com/zK9bNZKTqF
— Teagan (@TeaganKMannyy) August 1, 2019
18.
me saying āsee you soonā to dates knowing Iāll never see them again pic.twitter.com/YxgIybZhHP
— ziwe (@ziwe) July 31, 2019
19.
kid got just so mad he couldnāt order a hot dog at this airport restaurant he yelled āhot dogs are my familyā and then his mom immediately asked for a white wine and you know what i identify with both of them
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 29, 2019
20.
men are fully 37 years old texting āsorry if it felt like u were feeling hurt by thinking that i treated you like a cum rag undeserving of respect,, i SAID in my tinder profile that iām ~figuring things out and working on myself~ so kinda seems like your fault huhš¤ā
— jamie (@veryhotmomm) July 31, 2019
21.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
— EɾĪ¹É³Ņ½É± (@Mom_Overboard) August 1, 2019
22.
Nothing has paid off less than learning how to do the Soulja Boy.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) July 27, 2019
23.
The other night I saw this cow run to catch up with her friend (also a cow) who was waiting for her pic.twitter.com/YkYeKVCk5s
— Liz Watson (@watsontots) July 31, 2019