While Mike Primavera already does a pretty damn good job with his coed weekly funny tweet roundup, we also think that until women get paid as much as men, it’s our duty to single out funny female tweets. Here’s what fire the funny ladies of the Tweeter brought this week.
DISCLAIMER: the headline “23 Women Who Made Us Piss Our Pants Laughing This Week” is a bit misleading. Truth be told, no one makes us piss our pants. We do it because we like it.
1.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) September 11, 2019
2.
men accepting my love and commitment:pic.twitter.com/T9XAeGJfKZ
— Pallavi does #DirtyScience 👇🏾 (@PallaviGunalan) September 8, 2019
3.
So I walk into the bathroom and this girl stops me from entering the stall and says:
“Sorry I couldn’t help but notice your earrings, are you from Texas??”
These are the earrings I was wearing: pic.twitter.com/YLIkrQD2uD
— Red (@injera_bae) September 5, 2019
4.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 12, 2019
5.
They had me fucked up ❗️🤣 pic.twitter.com/Q5R3AEwrCH
— Gbaby🖤 (@vibewithgabb) September 12, 2019
6.
Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 10, 2019
7.
do you think at the end of orgies everyone sings the clean up song
— Sweatpants Cher ⚫️ (@House_Feminist) September 9, 2019
8.
{store in my neighborhood closes down}
spirit halloween: pic.twitter.com/xsyPdB9aw7— deck the halls w kimmymonte ❄️ (@KimmyMonte) September 12, 2019
9.
Doctors make you strip down to your underwear so they'll be less nervous
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) September 12, 2019
10.
https://twitter.com/CoriBarnard1/status/1170465773887688704
11.
half of boomer facebook posts be like pic.twitter.com/yIPqTGfefQ
— Emily (@cloudyyxp_) September 8, 2019
12.
no one:
every science teacher I’ve ever had: pic.twitter.com/LaX5lsP0OZ— lauren spinabelli (@spinubzilla) August 14, 2019
13.
I don't like puppies. I like old, serious dogs who put a paw on your arm as if to say "30 years ago, I buried a bag of unmarked bills outside Reno. Get the car keys."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2019
14.
Can't wait for winter so i can start dressin' https://t.co/F72nfgI92A
— Whacktose Intolerant (@MillyTamarez) September 12, 2019
15.
Dear corporate hotels, Check-in 4 pm & Check-out 11 am are you sure you even want us to stay?
— Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) September 10, 2019
16.
I’m hot but I’ll NEVER be “bored hostess at a restaurant” hot
— Stewart and Chill (@Stewartful) September 7, 2019
17.
I…….made matching shirts for me and my cat pic.twitter.com/n5DBT4d8Uc
— Errin (@errrrrrrrrrrin) September 11, 2019
18.
who did it better? like for drake, retweet for my dad. pic.twitter.com/rUMcJcF4mZ
— emma (^: (@emmamorris_35) September 12, 2019
19.
I am a full grown, reasonably competent adult woman, but I still believe if there are only two cookies left you've got to eat both of them, or the one remaining cookie will be lonely.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) September 8, 2019
20.
FRIENDSHIP is not between a man and a woman. FRIENDSHIP is between a hot blonde and an unconventionally attractive brunette!!
— virgo who can't drive (@_lanabelle) September 11, 2019
21.
Joe Biden looks like the kind of dude who goes fucking nuts when Sweet Caroline comes on at a wedding
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) September 13, 2019
22.
Best Ways To Fall Asleep Fast:
1. Masturbate
2. Cry
3. All of the Above— Debra DiGiovanni (@DebraDiGiovanni) September 11, 2019
23.
i’m in a good place rn, not emotionally, just in my room lmao
— queen of the clouds (@cherryemoticon) September 5, 2019