A Guide To Understanding The 5 Types Of Chronically Late A-Holes In Your Life

We all have at least one person in our life who is chronically late and/or a massive flake. Be it a family member, friend, or significant other, believe me when I say: Cut this person out of your life.

Now, you might be thinking, “Hey, Mike, that’s kind of drastic.” I’m not talking about your friend who doesn’t really have their shit together and is a few minutes late sometimes. I’m talking about the people who are not only always extremely late, but they’re unapologetic about it. They have no respect for you or your time.

If you’re unsure if you have someone like this in your life, I’ve put together this handy guide to IDing these douche canoes.

1. Mr. On His Way

What They Say: “Be there in 10.”

What They Mean: “Get comfortable, I didn’t say 10 what.”

They are still in bed. 30 minutes later you’ll probably get an “I’m looking for parking” text. They aren’t. Meanwhile, you’ll just sit there waiting like an asshole. Just leave. When they finally do get there they’ll text you something like “Dude, where are you? Did you leave???” Don’t respond. Ever. You’re free now.

2. Ms. Something Better

What they say: “What’s the address?”

What they mean: “Nothing better came up and now I’m not even sure what I’m coming to.”

This person is completely self-obsessed. The person who clicks “yes” to the Facebook invite just in case nothing better comes along. It didn’t, so now they’re on their way to whatever event you’re having. Give them the wrong address. They’re someone else’s problem now.

3. Mrs. Last Minute Bail

What they say: “I’m not gonna make it. I have a family emergency.”

What they mean: “I was never planning on coming and my family wouldn’t rely on me in an emergency.”

4. Mr. Fashionably Late

I also like to be fashionably late. No one wants to be that person who gets to the party exactly on time, so you have to make small talk and help the host put out chips. Don’t be that guy.

This person, however, does this for events where that is extremely inconvenient for everyone else. Like places where you need a reservation, weddings, and especially events on the move. Like, you’re on a bar crawl and you have to keep texting them the next place and they keep not showing up. Okay, this one might be personal but I do not regret cutting that dude out of my life. Fuck you, Kevin, wherever you are.

5. Lil Miss Worth It

What they say: “I might be late but I’m worth the wait.”

What they mean: “I’m better than you. You’re lucky I even talk to you.”

Not only are they not worth the wait, but they’re also not worth your time at all. This person is toxic, and will only bring you down. You might be thinking “My friend Tina says that, but I don’t think she’s toxic.” Tina is a piece of shit. Flush her.

In closing:

This may come off as bitter, and if you are a chronically late person or a flake you probably hated this. But if you aren’t, trust me: your life is better without these people in it. No one likes losing friends, but that’s not what these folks are. They’re parasites, and cutting them out of your life is the only topical cream that works.

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Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera is a Chicago-based comedy writer even though he doesn't HAVE to work. He lives comfortably off of his family's pasta fortune. Follow him on all social media at @primawesome