Mike
Twitter is free. Those people don’t owe you anything. If they want to fire off some random nonsense into the ether, that’s their right. And sometimes. Just sometimes. A brilliant joke is born.
The joke isn’t brilliant because it was perfectly crafted or well thought out. They just shot it from the hip and happened to hit the bullseye. It’s the only way it could’ve been born.
1.
when your mom is late picking you up from Starfish Club pic.twitter.com/WXhrqJUtXY
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) April 3, 2017
2.
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS
— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 23, 2016
3.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks— will, the most dangerous reindeer of all (@upsidedowntrash) January 18, 2017
4.
[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]
ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
— ally ️ mostly dog pics (@notacroc) April 7, 2017
5.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby— Say Nothing Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
6.
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) March 31, 2017
7.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon— Marty awrence (@TeaAndCopy) July 26, 2016
8.
*Glenn Close decides to splurge and eat her third Kind Bar of the day*
Glenn (to self): Time for a Close Encounter of the Third Kind— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) March 28, 2017
9.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”— Ayn Randy (@ItsAndyRyan) March 18, 2015
10.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
11.
Woah, black Betty pic.twitter.com/SkE83Qt8TF
— Kim (@kimbstruck) March 21, 2017
12.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) January 29, 2016
13.
LADY: My cat won’t stop mewling
ME: It’s okay, I’m a cat whisperer
LADY: Oh, great
ME {whispering to cat}: shut the hell up
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 1, 2017
14.
[Two penguins driving with tunes cranked]
*’I believe I can fly’ comes on the radio*
PENGUIN: HELL YEAAAH *tiny foot just hammers the gas*
— wylde de beest (@flashember) June 4, 2015
15.
MY FRIEND: (on phone) Thx for the present, but I think u forgot to poke air holes in the box
ME: Why would I poke air holes for a dead bird— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) April 5, 2017
16.
DATING TIP: If you fill up a backpack with hot bread and wear it to bed it feels like spooning
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 27, 2015
17.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom. pic.twitter.com/IOo89Vypy7
— Chelsea Lockwood (@chelsealockw00d) March 16, 2014
18.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013
19.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
20.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer— Dr. Bucky Turkeytope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
21.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) April 7, 2017
22.
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)
INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell ‘hot dogs’?
ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 21, 2015