Mike
It’s Friday. It’s between the holidays. It’s almost the end of a decade. What were you going to do? Work? Yeah right. Go ahead and kill the next 3-5 minutes with these tweets. Then maybe take an early lunch. Then maybe just don’t come back. Permanent lunchtime.
1.
NYC in the winter is BEAUTIFUL! pic.twitter.com/Th1N5gcUth
— Jasper Beardly (@Jan_TheGREAT) December 11, 2019
2.
i don’t want to “do things” or “take care of myself” i want to “sit very still” and “eat noodles”
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) December 10, 2019
3.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
— all the time mais (@maisondecris) June 5, 2019
4.
I don’t know what message she’s trying to send, but the lady at my bodega snuck an entire salad into my turkey sandwich. pic.twitter.com/g8tYMI4Gkp
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 12, 2019
5.
If you’re a man in a turtleneck you can enter any conversation by asking, “Is that so?”
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 6, 2019
6.
god i wish that were me pic.twitter.com/Ccf1y34aXS
— cocks rifle (@ilovetopiss) December 11, 2019
7.
My mom set up my brothers elf on the shelf like they were playing in snow and the last three pictures is what we woke up to instead… pic.twitter.com/pxCNW4FtZn
— Si🦋 (@isiarraswanson) December 11, 2019
8.
Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is about friends practicing witchcraft but then someone walks in and they have to suddenly play it cool pic.twitter.com/0FscqecVzW
— Ryan George (@theryangeorge) December 11, 2019
9.
The female custodian at my office keeps coming into the men’s restroom every 15 minutes shouting ‘hello’ to see if it’s clear so she can clean, and I’m running out of different voices to respond to her in from my stall.
— Reese 🍫🥜 (@Its_Just_Reese) December 12, 2019
10.
Downside to having a kid in ya late 30s is when they’re 16 & try to fight you, you’re 50+ and not in your prime.
PRO TIP: Have ya first kid at 13. so when it’s time to square up, you still in ya late 20s and it’s a fair fight.
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) December 10, 2019
11.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
— God Rest Ye Merry Jefflemen Computers (@JeffMyspace) December 9, 2019
12.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want? pic.twitter.com/OCxuVCFjZW
— abby russell (@ybbaaabby) December 9, 2019
13.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
— Boog (@BoogTweets) December 9, 2019
14.
The reason so many authors have anxiety is because if you mess up at an office job, Linda in HR will only be mad at you until Friday at 5 PM, but I just saw a girl on Goodreads blame Sophocles for ruining her high school experience, and the man has been dead for 2000 years
— Katie Henry (@KT_NRE) December 8, 2019
15.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
— john (@mrjohndarby) December 6, 2019