Mike
I joined Twitter in 2012. Before that, I would post jokes every day on Facebook, but then a good friend told me no one liked my jokes and it was weird and annoying to post them every day on Facebook, like a good friend would do. The next day I joined Twitter, and back then it was also a bunch of weirdos with nowhere to go. Now it is weirdly everyone’s news source, but there are still some great jokes.
1.
CNN said the world is $217 trillion dollars in debt… who tf we owe? The Decepticons?
— 850 credit score (@SavRealm) January 23, 2020
2.
him: allow me to introduce my mega fiancé
her: wife. i am your wife
— CapriCornyCaitlin♑️ (@CapriCornyCait) January 23, 2020
3.
hello i am a person you don’t follow on twitter who thinks you are wrong but perhaps if you would consider devoting an large amount of time to explaining yourself over a long series of tweets there is a remote possibility i may be convinced. i promise this is worth your time.
— BILL OAKLEY (@thatbilloakley) January 24, 2020
4.
me Zion Williamson
waiting months to get
18 minutes of action
and performing well for
3 of those 18 minutes
all while being called fat— sreekar (@sreekyshooter) January 23, 2020
5.
one time i was my college’s mascot for a basketball game.
emphasis on one time pic.twitter.com/N2nULbpNlA
— shosh (@shoshmcgosh) January 22, 2020
6.
when you think your dog is barking at nothing he’s actually barking at climate change
— life advice (@lifeadvice_4you) January 20, 2020
7.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
— Kayla Ancrum (@KaylaAncrum) January 20, 2020
8.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
— Hannalore Gerling-Dunsmore (@JoyofPhysics) January 17, 2020
9.
I wanna see a version of the bachelor where 25 women slowly realize they’re too good for some milquetoast loser and by the end of the season we’re left with the husk of a man who’s been dumped 25 times
— uncle adam (@ThatAdamKid) January 22, 2020
10.
This is probably the worst spam ad I’ve ever gotten pic.twitter.com/mT5LbiboUv
— ≋海≋鰻≋ (@unagi_d0n) January 18, 2020
11.
first email to landlord: “hey dave I’m sure you’re busy and I hate to be a bother but we noticed…”
third email to landlord: “Mr. Whittington—I trust that you’re familiar with all local, state, and federal ordinances regarding the rights and expectations of tenants pursuant t
— ᴄᴀʟᴇʙ ʜᴇᴀʀᴏɴ (@calebsaysthings) January 22, 2020
12.
— (@imskytrash) January 21, 2020
13.
my mom: what are you guys doing down there?
me and my friend unsupervised in the unfinished basement: pic.twitter.com/X1EjmKxWva
— dumbass ass idiot (@melip0ne) January 21, 2020
14.
Murderer *panicking as he tries to stab an acupuncturist* he’s…he’s getting stronger
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 19, 2020
15.
A short story of betrayal pic.twitter.com/YOQVe7lRRS
— (@Kinglrg_) January 17, 2020