Nate
I’ve been to countless weddings and no one ever mentions the possibility of being forced to stay home. I feel for people who’ve been stuck at home for these last few weeks but it seems like married people have it the worst. This can ba a real disaster for some. Maybe being home alone isn’t so bad.
1.
Turns out that my husband knew how to clean thoroughly this whole time. He just needed the motivation of a deadly pandemic.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 26, 2020
2.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 5, 2020
3.
I reveal a different one of my annoying tendencies to my wife each day in quarantine just to keep our relationship spicy
— Kyle Clark (@KyleClark) April 7, 2020
4.
We prefer to play the game “Why Are You Breathing Like That?”
— Jennie Hornbaker (@jen_hornbaker) April 5, 2020
5.
Before I got married, I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put milk back into the refrigerator
— Tom Santopadre (@SantopadreTom) April 5, 2020
6.
Wife: don’t tweet about me anymore.
Me: I won’t.
Wife: are you tweeting this convo right now?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sends tweet*
Wife: you just said “sends tweet” out loud.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 8, 2020
7.
2019: husband is annoying after 2 hours
2020: husband is annoying after 2 minutes— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) April 4, 2020
8.
Quarantine: husband is annoying before he enters the room
— One Nerve Left (@onenerveleft1) April 4, 2020
9.
Home quarantine status: my husband learned how to play “Beat It” on the ukulele and tried to show me but I’d locked myself in the bathroom
— Jewel Staite (@JewelStaite) March 20, 2020
10.
Me: Am I annoying you?
My husband: no.
Also my husband: pic.twitter.com/EuhLIH7Q9T
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) April 5, 2020
11.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
— Roy 🇨🇦🌾 (@MyNameIsArchaic) April 15, 2020
12.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 28, 2020
13.
Wife: Did you tell the kids to drop out of school?
Me: They don’t like their teacher
Wife: I’m their teacher
Me: And I’m their guidance counselor
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) April 15, 2020
14.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
— luke i am your mother (@MommaUnfiltered) March 27, 2020
15.
I told my wife about a dream I had where she was mad at me and she sided with dream wife and is now actually mad at me
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 8, 2020
16.
Wife: Did you know 95 percent of people are immune to leprosy?
Me: Wow.
Wife: Did you know humming birds are the only bird that can fly backwards?
Me: Oh.
Wife: Did you know I’m going to keep reading you facts until I’m not bored anymore?
Me: This quarantine needs to end.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2020
17.
My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it’s called “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” and there are no winners
— Eric Spiegelman (@ericspiegelman) April 4, 2020
18.
Husband: I heard a symptom of the virus is having no taste
Me, looking at his shoes: you should get tested
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 1, 2020
19.
Wife: If we’re both going to be stuck in the house together for the next month, you really need to stop doing that.
Me: Stop doing what?
Wife [gesturing to me, in general]: that.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 2, 2020
20.
Every husband in the background of a Zoom conference. pic.twitter.com/eMfnRO7q01
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) April 2, 2020
21.
Me: *yelling through the front door* THANKS FOR THE DELIVERY. JUST LEAVE THE GROCERIES ON THE DOORSTEP.
Wife: let me in the fucking house.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) March 28, 2020
22.
My husband and I were having a hypothetical conversation about opening an restaurant after all of this is over and it was really fun until we started to disagree on how we’d run things and who we’d hire and now our restaurant is going under and we’re getting a divorce.
— Rainbow Kingdom (@aissalanis) April 3, 2020
23.
#Quarantine week 3. My wife has started throwing baby showers for all the birds nesting in our backyard. Please send help. pic.twitter.com/qkNty8Vw3j
— AhlersAdam (@AhlersAdam) April 8, 2020
24.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 30, 2020
25.
If my husband farts one more time it won’t be a virus that takes him.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 19, 2020