Hannah
The world feels like it’s one foot out the door with half of businesses open. Some people are still stuck in Zoom meeting hell and other people are back at the bars again. It’s making for a weird mix of jokes on Twitter but these people are still totally pulling it off. Here are some tweets from women this week that might make you laugh… or maybe just do that sharp-exhale-through-your-nose thing.
1.
Just realized there has never been an easier time for teenagers to buy beer with a fake ID. “Oh that doesn’t look like me? Really? You can tell just from the eyes? No I will NOT take my mask off.”
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) June 18, 2020
2.
At this point, I've basically got a Zoom prop bag sitting next to my laptop. It's got a bra, hoodie, lip stick, head scarf, brow definer, hoops, etc. depending on "who all gone be on there."
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) June 16, 2020
3.
A girl I went to high school with just announced that she’s a grandmother, and my right hip disintegrated.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) June 16, 2020
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i don’t have any hobbies but i do like reading customer reviews of indian cookbooks where white people complain about the dishes being too spicy
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 15, 2020
8.
technically a pool noodle is a bucatini
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) June 15, 2020
9.
being attracted to men is so embarrassing but someone’s gotta do it
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) June 17, 2020
10.
“Tomorrow is another day” used to be something people said to encourage each other but now it kind of just feels like a threat.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 14, 2020
11.
Shoutout to the useless people who start 10 Words with Friends games then forget to log in for a week.
Me. I am useless people.
😂😂😂
— Luvvie (@Luvvie) June 17, 2020
12.
thinking abt the very large bottle of fireball whisky in the bottom drawer of my desk at work, wondering if it misses me too
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 15, 2020
13.
https://twitter.com/ayoedebiri/status/1271853552877494272
14.
I will either respond to your email immediately or three years from now
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 16, 2020
15.
honestly worst purchase of 2020 was a 2020 planner
— dumpster baby (@laurenrosaaa) June 15, 2020
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17.
This lady and her 15 friends tested positive for COVID after a girls' night out.
This is terrible of course.
But the bigger question is who the hell has 15 friends?
— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) June 17, 2020
18.
https://twitter.com/spinubzilla/status/1272758421167706114
19.
Marriage during a pandemic is just taking turns muting and yelling "I'M ON A ZOOM" throughout a day.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 16, 2020
20.
i have also thought i was poisoned at shake shack only to remember i am, in fact, lactose intolerant
— ziwe (@ziwe) June 16, 2020
21.
NO your email did NOT find me well, it found me ravaged with STRESS AND THE EFFECTS OF TIME
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 15, 2020
22.
If you're wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 18, 2020
23.
My gyno told me that in her 20 yrs of practice, I have the strongest pelvic floor she’s ever seen so if you feel a shift in energy when I enter the room it’s cos this is the level of confidence I’m walking with now.
— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) June 16, 2020