Hannah
If there was a tweet hall of fame, every wall would be covered in tweets you read 5 years ago but still haunt you every day.
These jokes are so good they keep me up at night, they make me ruin regular human interactions by casually saying “carrot top my love,” and have shown that the best humor is completely unhinged.
These top 50 tweets are all of our favorites and I hope they ruin you too:
1.
2.
“I couldn’t breathe when I slept so I installed a camera” pic.twitter.com/DDhP0OweoW
— Wicho (@stluis_htx) July 22, 2019
3.
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
— LEGO Joseph Smith (@Mormonger) March 18, 2018
4.
*on Ellen*
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt— scarfo (@Doughbvy) May 8, 2018
5.
6.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
— Benton’ (@Bentono10) September 14, 2016
7.
there’s 2 sides to every story 😔 pic.twitter.com/Lx9K1bloCw
— liv 🧋 (@visitkingdoms) April 13, 2019
8.
Im so mad that I took this picture of reed and this is what he took of me pic.twitter.com/7zx7TIt8bn
— Jeff (@jeffftweets) May 29, 2018
9.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
— Gayer, Angstier Aaron (@abgates7) May 22, 2018
10.
men be like, “the last thing i ever want to do is hurt u………………but its still on my list”
— marsha (@m1ntyfr3shh) January 19, 2020
11.
me sprinkling “but that’s just me” after giving someone advice so they can’t say i ruined their life pic.twitter.com/Tpe3wwfTkR
— HEAD of the man haters club 🌸 (@XippXapp) January 22, 2020
12.
Someone: wtf it smells like oranges
*me behind them* pic.twitter.com/dqcWHWNeak— hentaiho (@aliljokeyjoke) January 8, 2020
13.
guys be havin 25 roommates and want u to come over im staying home brockhampton
— follow igbopresenting damn (@igboadjacent) January 14, 2020
14.
Your stripper name is your mother’s first name and your mother’s last name
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) December 16, 2018
15.
"Do you have any bird houses I could have sex with?"
"Sir, we only have bird houses you can have sex with." pic.twitter.com/oV5uku0rMt
— kevinbiegel (@kbiegel) December 20, 2016