Mike
“Monkey tail” beards are an example of taking something good too far. Having a beard is a privilege, not a right. Not everyone can grow one, but those who can have a responsibility to other people in society. Facial hair is the business card you hand to everyone looking at your face, and what that card says is important.
Full beards are fine. Mustaches are suspect. A goatee means that person is to be avoided at all costs. Goatees are circles to show you where the lies come from. And well, a monkey tail beard, unless you are the first guy to do it, means you need some friends in your life to stop you from doing this.
1. Oakland A’s pitcher Mike Fiers, horrifying thousands of fans.
2. Eye of the tiger. Beard of the tiger. Disappointment of the parents.
3. Yes, that’s the appropriate look you should have when you see yourself like this.
4. Pretty smug for a guy who looks like a thrown back fish.
5. Like a pig’s but.
6. I feel like they all have a small glint in their eyes where you can see they know they shouldn’t be doing this.
7. You’re gonna need a one-player game, buddy.
8. Together they’d almost have a normal beard.
9. Fix your eyebrows, then work down.
10. Land pirate.
11. Totally casual.
12. No, bro.
13. HypNOtist.
14. No monkeys in Ireland.
15. Glasses can’t even make you look smart with a beard like this.
16. His face is asking a question that his beard already answered. No.
17. You look like a Lego man.
18. A magician who makes everyone’s good time disappear.
19. You have kind eyes, you get a pass.
20. Not you.
21. Criminals.
22. What’s with the stripes? Who didn’t hug you enough?
