Down With The Thickness (22 Absolute Units)

Bigger doesn’t always mean better, but when something is way bigger than you expected it to be it stops you in your tracks. Absolute units aren’t just people and animals either. An absolute unit is anything with inherent thickness and a commanding presence. Anything from a particularly girthy carrot to one of those mega buff kangaroos. Thicccccc.

1. This horse looks like it played baseball in the 90s.

2. Never going to Argentina.

3. Need a bigger couch.

4. To catch the squirrel, you must become the squirrel.

5. Has anyone seen my basketball?

6. A Canadian semi.

7. You’re gonna hurt your back.

8. RIP Pooh

9. How does it even fly?

10. Bed bread.

11. An old one but my favorite.

12. McDonalds megafry

13. No.

14. I’d clean out an entire jar of spicy mustard with that badboy.

15. His name is Clog.

16. Quadimoto

17. How they put together the IKEA stores.

18. Her rap album cover.

19. A Grolar Bear. Half grizzly half polar.

20. That’s like $17 at Chipotle

21. Hauling it.

22. Snowman with some staying power.


Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera is a Chicago-based comedy writer even though he doesn't HAVE to work. He lives comfortably off of his family's pasta fortune. Follow him on all social media at @primawesome