Jason Mustian
One of the simplest of human pleasures is the classic dirty joke.
Much like the dad joke, the dirty joke is simple in construction: “What do you call a…”, “Why did [famous character] do [regular task]…” but it takes a little trip to the mind-gutter to really understand.
We heard these growing up from our favorite uncles, older cousins, and—if you’re really lucky—whiskey-sippin’ grandmothers, but they never really landed the way they’re supposed to until we grew into the disgusting adults we are today.
In modern society, we’ve kind of outgrown the dirty joke, what with all the funny memes and relatable tweets these days.
But luckily, one guy on Reddit was itchin’ for that classic naughty chuckle we used to hold so dear.
Recently u/Medical-Link-8391 asked the people of Reddit, “What’s your favorite dirty joke?” and the answers will take you back to the good ol’ days.
Here are 21 of the best dirty jokes, according to Reddit.
1.
“Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?… Because Ken always came in another box.” –LaxStar4012
2.
“Two deer walk out of a gay bar.
One says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.” –aloysiusmind
3.
“What does the Mafia and a p*ssy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep sh*t.” –smaze38111
4.
“What do you call the sweat between 2 rednecks having sex? Relative humidity.” –IDidntParkHere
5.
“How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.” –Qwsdxcbjking
6.
“Didn’t Einstein marry his cousin? Guess he loved everything to be relative.” –DM_Me_Ur_Nudes_21
7.
“A nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms to see an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis. She came in and said “Mrs Philips, you can’t do that.”
“Why not?” She asked, “I enjoy doing it.”
“Yes.” She replied, “but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him.” –TheLoneleyPython
8.
“An elderly gentleman goes to his doctor for a physical, checked his blood work, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is. The old man says no problem with a smile.
The next morning, the man returns and the doctor greets him. He hands the doctor the empty jar. The doc asked what happened?
The old man begins “You see, I came home, and first tried with my right hand. And then with my left. I tried with both hands and still nothing… I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, and then both, still nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in then teeth out… Still nothing. We decided to call over our neighbor, lovely young woman, helps us out time to time. She said she would come over to help. She tries with her right hand, then her left. With both… She tried with her mouth, first teeth in then teeth out, she even stuck it between her knees….”
The doctor cut him off… “YOU ASKED YOUR NEIGHBOR?!” Old man simply responds, “Why yes, None of us could get the jar open!!!” –SoccerGamerGuy7
9.
“What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and re-sell it.” –Cooler67
10.
“What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.” –FatsPPAGE BREAK
11.
“Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.” –cooper284
12.
“A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life. Three beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks “Have you ever been hugged before?” “No” says the man. So she hugs him and walks on. The second woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks “Have you ever been kissed before?” “No” the man replies sorrowfully. So she kisses him and walks on. The third woman also walks up to the man and asks him “Have you ever been f—ked before?” “No…” says the man now with a tear in his eye. “Well that’s what you’re gonna be when the tide comes in” –Youpunyhumans
13.
“What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? Gagged.” –Lifeless_husk47
14.
“What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.” –Psychological_Cook69
15.
“An older man is in the hospital and has the oxygen mask on, a new nurse comes in to give him a sponge bath and he asks her in a muffled voice, “Are my testicles black?” She looks at him embarrassed and tells him, “sorry sir, I’m just here to clean your upper body, you’d need the doctor here for that.”
The man stayed silent until finally after some time he asks her again, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed but figuring that the old man seems stressed and she doesn’t want his pressure to rise she removes the blanket and puts his testicles in her hand to examine them. “No sir, your testicles seem fine.”
The old man removes his mask and speaks again this time clearly, “Thank you nurse that’s reassuring, now listen carefully, are my test results back?” –hereforthenosleep13
16.
“What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? One is a Goodyear, the other is a f—king fantastic year!” –guitar_collector
17.
“Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 20 meters away…” –billjoman
18.
“Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.” –stateofmind109
19.
“I was with my uncle at a pub and he tells me, “Lad see that their table, I built that table with me own two hands, spent days cutting and sanding the wood, but does anybody call me Billy the table maker? Noooo!” Then he points out the door to the dock and says, “See that there dock, I put long days and late nights into that dock, but does anybody call me Billy the dock builder? NOOOO!” Then he grabs his pint and take a swig and says, “BUT YOU F—K ONE GOAT…” –heyitsyourboileo
20.
“What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s finger.” –Unl0vableDarknessPAGE BREAK
21.
“A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So, he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.
“Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dildo,’” the old man said.
“The voodoo dildo?” the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dildo, the door.” The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dildo, box!” The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo.
She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off!
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing her. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!” – -eDgAR-