40 Childfree People Share The Pettiest Reasons They Chose Not To Have Kids

In a world that often operates on the assumption that everyone’s endgame involves a white picket fence and 2.5 kids, deciding to veer away from that narrative can be met with a mix of intrigue and eyebrow raises.

But when it comes to the childfree community, reasons to skip the parenthood chapter range from deeply personal to enviably petty. Why give up those spontaneous weekend getaways or uninterrupted beauty sleep, right?

This reddit thread asks the question: “What is your pettiest reason for not wanting kids?” Here are 40 of our favorite answers.


BinaryMonochrome,Andrea Piacquadio

I like money, silence and a tidy house.


I like to be alone. – CandyCaneCrossbow


I take pride in proving wrong every one that said I’d change my mind. – drunkenAnomaly


I like delicate, pretty things. Children damage delicate, pretty things. – strongmanass


galacticmin,SHVETS production

I like to sleep. And not having a stretched out body with more marks than I have now.


My cat would hate it if she had to share me. – Jo_Peri


Might be cruel but every time my sister complains about how rowdy her kids get, I think ‘never going to be me’. – Medysus


I’m not done being a kid myself. Making up for lost time during my childhood now. – nsfwnoise


sharknamedgoose,Christina Morillo

I’m a maximalist. I’m sure as hell not trusting my trinkets around sticky, clumsy hands.


F**k the patriarchy is my pettiest reason, but I don’t really have a reason I’m just not interested – the fact that there’s a lot of advantages to that lifestyle is just a great bonus. – tawny-she-wolf


I enjoy my quiet peace and copious amounts of sleep. Kids would ruin both. – Fierywitchburn333


So that whenever anything bad happens in my life, I can say ‘at least I don’t have kids.’ Every morning I wake up happy to not have kids.

Also kids’ music sucks. – Individual_Road_9030



I don’t want to share my snacks.


It hurts.

I don’t want to ruin my body.

I HATE bodily fluids (snot/pee/vomit/s**t), I do not want any of that disgusting mess near me (that includes pet’s fluids too). – B4cteria


To prove my mom wrong from that time when I was 10 and she told me—after [foolishly?] telling her I didn’t want to have children when I grew up: “but…having children is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I woman can do with her life!”

I have done some seriously cool s**t with my life since then that did not in any way involve having a child. – Hokuopio


The bloodline dies with me, and I am not giving my bio. mother the satisfaction of spreading her genetics through the gene pool. Also, maintaining my anti-social life and being able to keep up with my Art hobby <3 – BerryFilledEggs


LukasHughes,Amanda Klamrowski

I want the option of leaving whenever I need to. I’m happy where I’m at, but I always want to be able to travel or just straight up move without worrying abt a child’s schedule. I would van life, but a kid deserves space and I don’t want to be one of those vanlife influencers who think a curtain is a wall.


I’m self-centred. I don’t like having to live my life around others needs. Making myself happy is my primary goal in life. I live for me. I view my purpose in this life as being able to cater to my every need. I want to be able pursue whatever I like, whenever I like, however I like with no restrictions. To be a parent means you need to be selfless for decades. That sounds like pure hell!

I’m not cold or evil, and people have always come to me for advice/support and find me dependable, but I know if I had to be a parent, I’d resent my kids so much, and no child deserves a parent like that. – hellasweetnutella


Sticky fingers, why are they so f*****g sticky! – hardwiredtostaymad


Not having to answer “why?” even once per day to anyf*ckingone. – lightninghazard


It’s something of an official “F U” to the religious upbringing I had telling me the ultimate purpose for uterus bearers like myself was becoming a STAH broodmare. – Dense-Department9405


Covert-Wordsmith,Andrea Piacquadio

I didn’t want to gain weight. I’ve had body image issues since middle school. 4 years ago, I lost weight and kept it off and I’ve been much more confident since. I don’t want to lose that.


I hate children’s tv shows. Loud, high pitched, etc etc. If something in my home is loud it better f*****g be deathcore. – M3tal_Shadowhunter


I like not hearing screeching, banging, and thunderous stomping inside my own home. I like having a beautiful garden with lots of plants. It’s nice when the plants don’t get trampled or otherwise destroyed. – LogicalStomach


I love my freedom. I want to go out one evening on the whim? I can just do it. I can travel during term time, sleep in, walk around the house in just my knickers and a t-shirt lol. – Fantastic-Picture360


hedge_ball,Teja J

They don’t belong in breweries. They also smell worse than dogsh*t.


Not having to worry about school districts or being close to schools when moving or relocating. – merRedditor


Loud noises hurt my ears. – Nimuwa


I love my body and don’t want to destroy it. – mindlessarachnide


Because I like my afternoon naps uninterrupted and free weekends.

Also, not giving my homophobic fundie religious Narc dad any grandkids to abuse with threats of damnation and fear of demons wanting to destroy them for being born “sinners” is high up on my list also. – Zealousideal-Wing524


Babies are ugly.

I struggle managing my weight and I don’t want to gain it from getting pregnant.

I like to sleep

I like spending my money on myself. – prosecutie05579


NoshameNoLies,Luke Miller

My MIL wants me to.


I want to spend my money on _my_ games and books, not on _child’s_ toys and books. – raccoonomnom


They’re stinky. – pepperpat64


The idea of growing something inside my belly sounds too much like Alien the movie and feels so animal world. – Pompelmo


I absolutely loathe children songs. I actually cannot even describe you the primal anger I feel every time I hear something like baby shark. – FutureBachelorAMA


Babies are cute on the other hand my reasons to not have kids are cultural indifferences, generational trauma, spankings, groundings and my autism. I don’t want my future offspring to suffer the same way I did.

I like to sleep in, work, watch movies, go on road trips and I’m actually behind on adulting at 31. – Conscious_Couple5959


I wouldn’t call it petty but it’s also the same reason why I have never understood the urge to be in a relationship: I don’t want to go by someone else’s schedule. I have OCD and the idea of having to change things around makes me physically ill.

A petty reason? Hmmmm…. I simply think life would be so much more enjoyable if we had less of a population. Don’t want people to die, but I sure do hope that less people are born.

But then I love animals and my life is always astronomically better when I have an animal to take care of (which means changing schedules), so maybe the reason is just that I really do not get any positive results from people. Like I love my family, but why the hell would I want to continue it? I’m sure my dad’s batch of secret children that he’s hidden all around the country will continue my blood line just fine. I don’t feel the need for human interaction, and I sure as hell don’t need a kid that actively NEEDS my attention. Having friends is already too much of a burden on my life I can’t imagine having a kid jesus christ.

Love my half-brothers more than anything. I’m over 10 years older than then so it’s not like I grew up with them or anything. I seriously adore them, and when I’m with them I can understand the love that parents have for children, but I seriously can’t imagine ever wanting or having my own. Like why not just get a dog? They’re cuter, better behaved,and less expensive. – Sidereall


nolechica,Polina Kovaleva

Sleeping in/going to bed late.


Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera is a Chicago-based comedy writer even though he doesn't HAVE to work. He lives comfortably off of his family's pasta fortune. Follow him on all social media at @primawesome