Women Are Sharing Their Most Diabolical Marriage Hacks And I’m Equal Parts Impressed And Terrified
Marriage is supposed to be about communication and compromise, but sometimes it’s also about finding loopholes in the social contract you signed when you said “I do.”
Nobody talks about that part in the vows but it’s real. You can’t just logic your way through every disagreement or annoyance, sometimes you need a workaround that technically isn’t lying but definitely isn’t the whole truth either.
TikTok user @michellerosbury asked women to share their most unhinged marriage hacks and the responses ranged from genius problem-solving to borderline psychological warfare.
It’s honestly hard to tell which ones are inspirational and which ones are diabolical, and that’s kind of the point.
These are the marriage hacks women shared that prove love is patient and kind but also requires a strategy.
1. “My husband and I refer to our innermost illogical thoughts as ‘lizard brain,’ so we can share insecurities without judgment. For example, I might say, ‘Lizard brain says you hate my haircut.'”
2. “I tell him made-up stories about things my ‘friend’s husband’ did and finish with, ‘I’m so glad you don’t do that.’ But they’re actually all things he does that I don’t like. He self-corrects.”
3. “I wore the same perfume every time we would go to the mall, so now anytime I put it on, he asks if I want to go shopping.”
4. “Sometimes, my husband and I randomly pretend not to know each other and start flirting. He could be mowing the lawn, and I’ll walk out and say, ‘What are you doing here? You know my husband isn’t home.’ He knows to play along.”
5. “I Pavloved my husband by wearing the same scent only during intimacy for a year. Then I wore it to a family function, and he became feral. He glares at me when I wear it because he knows. Still works.”
6. “We have a decision coin that says ‘Wife’s Choice’ on one side and ‘Husband’s Choice’ on the other. Flipping it has helped us decide so much, from where to go on vacation to what to have for dinner that night. It’s very helpful.”
7. “When we are planning to make a big purchase, I first show him the most expensive thing and let him marinate. Then, show him the one I really want, which is cheaper but not the cheapest. Works every time.”
8. “I jokingly say things like, ‘The dishes need doing, and you need doing. I only have energy for one of these things.’ He does the dishes in record time.”
9. “I occasionally buy gift cards, so every time he doesn’t want to go out to eat, I say, ‘Oh, we have a gift card from Christmas!’ Works every time.”
10. “When he asks me to find something he ‘can’t find’ but it’s in plain sight (and he just didn’t look hard enough), I charge him a book. I now have four shelves of books.”
11. “I will out loud just ‘booooooo’ him when he’s not being nice, helpful, or acting right.”
12. “My great-grandma would flip over their ‘Home Sweet Home’ sign when they were fighting over something.”
13. “I make his lunches and dinner. Sometimes, if I’m mad, I’ll purposely make it a little off and tell him I made it with anger instead of love. Somehow, it works.”
14. “When we brought home our newborn, we started playing finger guns at each other instead of arguing out loud. When he snores now, I roll over and hold a finger gun to his neck. He goes, ‘Please don’t do it.'”
15. “When he stops pulling his weight in house chores, I stop cleaning or preparing all his things, including his laundry, meals, and dishes. I’m a mom, but not his mom. He catches on quickly.”
16. “I’m introverted and my husband is a TALKER. So early on, I instituted ‘quiet time’, which I can evoke at ANY time, and he has to comply. We literally go about our day together. Just silently. And it’s been 8 years of bliss.”
17. “Rather than get mad at the other for not doing that thing you expect them to just know to do (dishes, for example), we place a stuffed elephant by the thing to point out ‘the elephant in the room.'”
18. “When we think the other person’s driving is a little dicey, we yell ‘whee’ in the car. It conveys, ‘It’s an adventure, but also, we feel like we were gonna die. Please be careful.'”
19. “We wear party hats during arguments. How can you possibly argue badly with party hats on?”
20. “I like to say, ‘You know what I love about you?’ and list what I want him to be like. He believes he suddenly has these qualities and starts to build on them without question. It’s magic.”
21. “I divorced him so he knows I mean business (we remarried).”
