30 Funniest Mitch Hedberg Jokes That Still Hit Like The First Time You Heard Them
The first comedian I ever really listened to was Mitch Hedberg. His jokes felt so simple at first, and then I’d sit there like, wait, how did he even think of that? Meanwhile, I’m over here jealous he thought of a joke about a club sandwich.
Going back through these is kind of humbling. Some hit instantly, some take a second, and a few make you realize you’ve never actually had an original thought in your life. Either way, this is the stuff that made me want to try comedy. The fact that these jokes are still this funny decades later says everything about how good he was.
1.
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
2.
“I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that sh*t’s under control.”
3.
“I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign. Only an ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.'”
4. “One time a guy handed me a picture, he said ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture of you is when you were younger.”
5.
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
6.
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ‘No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.'”
7.
“I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.”
8.
“I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they’re just as good and weren’t wasting time.”
9. “My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
10.
“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
11.
“I got a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.”
12.
“I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.”
13.
“I order the club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.”
14. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.”
15.
“I had one anchovy. That’s why I didn’t have two anchovies.”
16.
“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.”
17.
“I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said ‘F*** that, I’ll just make a copy.'”
18.
“I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
19. “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus… or a really cool opotamus?”
20.
“I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”
21.
“I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.”
22.
“Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr. Pepper. But it’s the bullsh*t replica because dude didn’t even get his degree!”
23.
“Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he’s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn’t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That f-er wasted lots of time at school. ‘Cause I would have bought that sh*t from a Mr. Scholl.”
24. “This one commercial said ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers,’ so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the f*** they were.”
25.
“This is what my friend said to me, he said ‘I think the weather’s trippy.’ And I said ‘No, man. It’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.’ Then I thought, ‘Man, I should have just said… ‘Yeah.'”
26.
“My apartment is infested with koala bars. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want ’em to. I’m like, ‘Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.'”
27.
“You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say ‘Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.’ And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. ‘Dufrane, party of two.’ But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help. ‘Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.'”
28. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
29.
“In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought “Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.’ I would never say ‘Here comes that frog’ in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, ‘Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.'”
30.
“I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.”