35 Random Everyday Objects You’d Find In A Very Weird Video Game “Item Shop”
I love it when the internet takes something completely normal and decides it has stats now. That’s basically the whole deal over at r/itemshop, where random objects turn into video game loot for no reason at all. A half-eaten granola bar with plus four stamina. A thrift store lamp with plus twelve ambiance. The format works because it taps into something every person who has ever played an RPG understands on a cellular level. Even if you haven’t, the concept is still pretty funny.
You see an item, you read the stats, you equip it without thinking. That instinct doesn’t go away just because you’re standing in a real kitchen looking at a whisk. I’d buy most of these in a real life item shop without even checking the price.
1. “Chocolate Dip Of Anaphylactic Shock”
2. “Qube Tip”
3. “Water Tent”
4. “Feline Armadillo Armor [Rare]: +15 Armor, -30 Speed, 20% Chance To Obtain After A Hard Party”
5. “Shop”
6. “Magic Hat”
7. “Elemental Dice”
8. “Not Yet…”
9. “Airport Jungle Juice: Restores 50% Health, Grants 5 Random Stat Buffs And 1 Random Status Effect”
10. “Peeled Limes: +50 Cooking Skill, +100 Aestheticism, -30 Time”
11. “Molten Bread: Grants Lava Resistance And Burn Damage, +15 Health, +20 Minutes Of Lava Resistance, +20 Hunger”
12. “Water Bath Bomb: Turns Water Into ’90s Anime Water, Increases The User’s Magic”
13. “Cowch: +25 Health And Stamina Recharge Rate When Sitting, Spawns Bottle Of Milk Every 2 Hours, Bought At Magical Farmer’s Ranch”
14. “Baguette Knife: +100 Stealth, +200 Taste”
15. “Armoured Cockroach: Def +300, Attack +20, Speed +15 — Can Be K***ed Using Fire Or By Hitting It 20 Times”
16. “Ceramic Axe: -100 Durability, +40 Sharpness”
17. “Cowboy Dog (Companion): Assists With Combat, Deals 50 Damage Per Strike, Heals Master With Cuteness”
18. “Secret Doggo Shop: Only Appears At Midnight In The City, Sells Legendary Items For Pure Gold”
19. “Wireless Seatbelts: +100 Swag, -1000 Safety”
20. “The Portable Soul Harvester: 1 Minute Set Up Time, Needs Power Source, Can Take Someone’s Soul To Hell”
21. “Item ‘Not Bees’: When Shaken, Releases Wasp Swarm”
22. “The Holy Mask: +30 Protection, -20 Breathing, +100 Holiness”
23. “Soup Of Infinite Possibilities: +50 Luck”
24. “Strawberrfly Fruit: Grants The User The Ability To Fly (30 Second Fly Time)”
25. “Book Of Cow: +100 Intelligence”
26. “Long Bonk: +400% Range, +190% Bonk”
27. “Rubik’s Sandwich: +20 HP And +50 Confusion If Not Solved”
28. “Iron Food: +50 Pain, -999 Regret”
29. “The Oxygen Tank: Breathe The Freshest Air Anywhere”
30. “The Existence Eraser”
31. “One Tool To Rule Them All”
32. “Schrödinger’s Bin: +10 Confusion, +50 Utility”
33. “Face Mask Dress: +100 Disease Resistance, +50 Attraction”
34. “‘Camo’ Skin, Makes Your Entire Car Just A Bumper (Note: The Driver Can Still Be Seen)”
35. “Sword stick!! Is sick!”
