This Week’s Comment Awards (37 Tweets)
Welcome back to The Comment Awards, the only awards show where the red carpet is a Superfund site and every nominee found out they were nominated by getting ratio’d.
For those just joining us: I’m on Twitter every single day. For work. That’s a real job I have. While you were outside touching grass and maintaining healthy relationships, I was elbow-deep in the discourse, sifting through the digital landfill like a raccoon with a LinkedIn profile.
I have seen things. I have read replies I cannot unread. My screen time report could be entered as evidence in a competency hearing.
But it’s not all suffering.
Because buried in the rubble of engagement bait, crypto scams, and grown adults fighting about whether cereal is soup, there are diamonds. Perfect, glittering quote tweets crafted by anonymous geniuses who looked at someone’s terrible post and said “I can end this man’s whole career in under 280 characters.”
These people are artists. They will never win a Pulitzer, but they will win something far more prestigious: my acknowledgment.
So join me as I bestow this week’s Comment Awards upon the bravest, funniest sickos on the internet. I do this so you don’t have to log on. You’re welcome. Someone check on me later.
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