27 Tweets From This Past Weekend You Won't Want To Have Missed

Happy Monday, folks. I hope — and I mean this sincerely — that you had a wonderful weekend. I hope you touched grass. I hope you went to a farmers market and bought a vegetable you don’t know how to cook. I hope your phone died at a lake somewhere and you didn’t even notice for four hours. That’s the dream, and I want it for you.

I did not have that weekend.

While you were out there living, I was performing a public service: hunched over my phone, thumb cramping, scrolling Twitter so you didn’t have to. Every hour. Both days. Someone had to stand watch, and that someone was me, a man whose Saturday screen time report should probably trigger a wellness check.

But my sacrifice is your gain.

I’ve assembled the funniest tweets from the weekend — everything you missed while you were busy being a healthy, well-adjusted person.

And look, it’s Monday morning. Nobody’s doing real work before 10 anyway. Your boss is also reading this. Grab a coffee, look busy, and enjoy these on company time. You’ve earned it. I’ve earned nothing, but that’s between me and my screen time report.