18 Funny Embarrassing Stories People Were Brave Enough To Share With The Entire Internet
I appreciate anyone willing to explain exactly how they made a situation worse. Most of us spend the ride home figuring out which details to leave out when we tell somebody a story.
Over on Reddit’s r/TIFU, leaving out the embarrassing part would defeat the purpose. The entire subreddit is people admitting they messed up, then providing enough detail to make sure strangers understand just how badly. My favorite stories are the ones where you can follow the person’s reasoning right up until the moment it becomes a terrible idea.
These funny TIFU stories are a nice reminder that sometimes the best thing you can do is absolutely nothing.
1. They Tried To Get Rid Of A Steak During Dinner With Their Wife’s New Boss.
Last night, my wife’s boss from her brand-new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.
I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.
My wife’s boss is a single lady in her 50s, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly appropriate jokes, and my wife seemed pleased.
Soon, she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how undercooked this steak was.
Now, I’ve had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several minutes on a hot grill short of rare. I probably could’ve resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.
Claim veganism? No, I’d already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.
Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this third-story apartment…a cartoon lightbulb appeared over my head.
I knew I had to be decisive, realizing she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice, and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.
Here’s the big-time mistake. The window wasn’t open. It was the cleanest window you’ve ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down, leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.
My wife, whose steak was a nice medium rare and who was unaware of my predicament, turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.
My wife’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the windowsill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.
I just didn’t know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably three or four seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was, “I…I’m so sorry. I am such a klutz… I don’t know… I was just cutting it, and it slipped. Just ask my wife, I really am a klutz. Right, honey? (No help coming from that direction.) I will clean this up. I can’t believe this… I am so sorry.” Etc.
Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.
I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.
I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife’s only two words to me since the incident have been “I’m fine.”
Update: Just got the first post-“I’m fine” communication from my wife, via text, who is at work…
“Good news, [boss’ name] and I just had a good laugh over how much of an idiot u are. I hope u know u will never live this down. Love u, you moron.”
2. They Let Themselves Into A Friend’s Condo And Immediately Had To Defend Their Sandwich.
My friend Jenna moved into a nice, new condo last month, and I finally got a chance to check it out for the first time today. I ended up arriving before she got home from work, so she told me to let myself in with the spare key under the potted plant and to make myself comfortable.
I made myself a sandwich and was meandering around eating and checking out her swanky new place when the front door opened, and a really large and unfamiliar man with a duffel bag came in. Dude was intimidating, and I’m a 4’11” woman, so I was immediately scared. He looked shocked to see me. I’m looking at his duffel bag and realizing that I surprised some burglar!
I panicked and threw my sandwich at his face and then locked myself in the bedroom. I’m shaking, and he pounds on the door yelling at me to get out. I start screaming at HIM to get out and that I’m calling the police (total bluff because I didn’t have my phone).
He then yells back that HE is calling the police on ME. This gives me pause.
At this point, I look around and realize the bedroom I’m in definitely appears to be of the male persuasion. I ask him through the door if he knows Jenna (last name). He tells me yes, she is his next-door neighbor.
WELL. Apparently, Jenna’s neighbor ALSO keeps a spare key under a potted plant.
So, today I messed up by letting myself into my friend’s neighbor’s place, smacking him in the face with his own sandwich, and then screaming at him to get out of his house.
3. They Lived With A Broken Bedroom Light For Six Years Before Taking One Last Look.
The overhead fan in our bedroom uses one of those compact halogen lightbulbs.
Six years ago, the bulb burned out and got really dim, just barely a glow. I bought a replacement bulb, but when I put that one in, it was also barely lighting up, so I realized the unit was bad.
The fan still worked GREAT, it literally is the best fan I’ve ever had because it moves a ton of air and is super quiet. The fan had also been a gift when we moved into our house. The unit cost over $400, so I didn’t really want to replace it even though our bedroom doesn’t get much natural light, so it is pretty dark.
So since then, over the years my wife and I have had to make do with no overhead light. We open the windows during the day, and at night use a combination of bedside lamps and the bathroom light. It’s never really as good of lighting as an overhead lamp, so I keep some flashlights up there for when we are cleaning or looking for something, etc.
After six years of living in the dark, this winter I just decided I would replace the thing. But before I did, I decided to try one last time with another bulb because, however unlikely, it’s possible BOTH bulbs I had tried were bad.
So I’m up there installing the new bulb, grab the remote (the fan has a remote), and as I’m turning the light on, I realize:
The thing is dimmable.
For six years we lived with the inconvenience of no overhead light, and the whole time it was just because the thing was set to “dim.”
4. A Dad Confiscated His Son’s Game Boy For A Week. Finding It Again Took A Little Longer.
My son was not doing his homework, so I confiscated his Game Boy Advance. I told him he would get it back next week.
Well, he’s a pretty clever dude and knew all my hiding places, so I put it someplace he would never look.
Except I suffered a traumatic brain injury a few years earlier and I forget stuff. So when he did his homework and asked for it back after a week, I…could not find it. Aargh. I looked everywhere.
Narrator: Obviously not everywhere…
Then we moved house. And I still didn’t find it.
SpongeBob: “18 YEARS LATER…”
I was donating some coats I had not worn in a long time. And in the pocket of a Viennese trench coat from the 1930s, I found…his Game Boy Advance. And turned it on. And it WORKED. Pokémon appeared.
I put fresh batteries into it and handed it to my 28-year-old son. Who proceeded to laugh for a good five minutes. Then played it for a few hours. Then proceeded to tell my wife and other adult children how silly I was.
— u/cbelt3
5. They Were Determined To Be Less Awkward At Their Second Dentist Appointment.
I can never go back to my new dentist after two visits because I’m an idiot.
My dentist is a very nice and professional man. Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some innocuous remark about us “being strangers.” My immediate reply was, “Oh, you’re not a stranger! You’ve been inside of my mouth for 20 minutes!”
I did NOT intend to make a sexual joke. His face turned red, and he was clearly embarrassed, but he continued on like a true professional, and we were probably both relieved when the appointment was over.
I had my second dentist appointment today. I actually mentally prepared myself to be a model patient who didn’t say anything weird, thank you very much.
He had been working in my mouth for about five minutes when he started to seem really uncomfortable or something. His face was red, and he was breathing a little heavier. I was a bit concerned and also confused. Like how could I have embarrassed him this time? I had hardly spoken!
So he keeps working in there, and then I realize what is happening.
My dentist was wearing grape-flavored gloves. I had been absentmindedly licking his fingers the whole time.
Never going back.
6. Their Wife Sent A Flirty Text. They Went Looking For Cleaning Supplies.
The other night, my wife and I were getting ready for bed and being kind of flirty. I had to use the restroom, so stayed downstairs while she went up to bed. While I was sitting on the toilet, I got a text: “Bring a bucket and a mop.”
Crap, one of my kids must have thrown up. I finished my toilet biz and went down to the basement to check the cleaning supplies. I found a bucket, but couldn’t find a mop. I found one of those squeezy sponge things, but the sponge was missing.
Figuring the vomit was probably congealing by this point, I just grabbed the bucket and a bunch of paper towels and ran upstairs.
I got to the upstairs bathroom and found no mess. I carried the cleaning supplies down to my kids’ rooms but found no vomit. I went to our bedroom and found my wife lying on the bed. She asked what had taken me so long, and I said I couldn’t find a mop, and where was the mess?
She started rolling around on the bed laughing. Suddenly I realized “Bring a bucket and a mop” was a line from “WAP.” My wife had been in the mood, and I had spent 15 minutes looking for a mop in the basement.
She was laughing so much that the mood was basically dead.
7. They Started Mocking The Neighbor’s Parrot And Accidentally Made A Commitment.
So, I live in an apartment where the walls are thin enough that I can hear my neighbor’s TV, phone calls, and, unfortunately, their parrot. This parrot is a very beautiful animal, but it makes me want to rip my hair out and do things I am not proud to admit. Let’s just say, he has become my morning alarm for the last few months.
About two weeks ago, I started mocking his sounds back. He’d squawk, I’d squawk. He’d whistle, I’d whistle back. We built up a little routine, kind of like distant, angry roommates communicating through bird calls.
Sometimes I would even initiate it, like when I was cooking, I would randomly start squawking loudly. I know this is strange.
Yesterday, my neighbor knocked on my door and had a really odd look on her face. Apparently, ever since I started doing my “bird banter,” her parrot has become obsessed with me. I guess I just wasn’t in the mood for bird talk the last couple days and went silent.
She said he paces and screeches when I stop responding. She even showed me a video, which was such an awkward experience. She said he used to have a parrot friend years ago that died, and she thinks he wants some sort of bird companion.
Anyway, she asked me to make a couple of bird sounds as she put a treat in its cage to see if it would eat. I reluctantly agreed (and felt humiliated, of course), but I went through with it, and sure enough, the little guy started eating and playing.
Long story short, I became the object of a parrot’s affection, and my neighbor asked if I could “talk to him for a few minutes a day,” even gave preferred times if I’m home.
I’ve unintentionally entered a long-distance relationship with a bird.
8. They Tried To Help A Stranger Escape An Awkward Coffee Shop Conversation.
I (29m) was waiting for my order in the local coffee shop. Also in the store waiting for orders was a girl who looked around my age and a guy who seemed to be a bit older (35–45).
I noticed the guy was talking the girl’s ear off, and she didn’t seem very interested in the conversation. Next thing I notice, she’s approaching me saying “Brian?”
My name isn’t Brian, but before I could correct her, I remembered reading something online that said, “If a girl ever pretends to know you, play along, she might be in trouble.”
So I played along and started having a friendly chat with her as if I knew her. Well, not long into the conversation, she looks at me and goes, “Wait, you’re not Brian.”
To which I respond, “I know, I thought we were doing a thing.”
Then a bit louder and annoyed, she says, “Why would you pretend to be someone I know?!”
Now the guy she was with before comes over and asks if everything is alright.
Knowing I had messed up, I just told them honestly what I was doing. Turns out he was her boyfriend, and he was talking about fantasy baseball, that’s why she was so disinterested.
She found it funny and thanked me even though I read the situation wrong. He was kinda offended but understood. I have never been more embarrassed.
9. They Forgot To Seal The Hot Dogs, And Their Dog Had The Best Day Of His Life.
Let me start by saying it’s important to note that whenever I cook hot dogs, I slice the package, take out a few, roll the rest back up in the plastic packaging, and fasten it all with some good old-fashioned elastic bands.
Today. I did not.
I couldn’t tell you why I decided to just fold the plastic over a few times and place it back on the shelf, but here we are.
So my spouse comes running down in their few minutes between endless meetings to make their lunch quickly. We are the only two in our house, plus our little rescue dog who was a stray and an absolute MOOCH.
I mean, this dog will weave between your feet, eyes GLUED to the floor hoping for even a single speck of crumb.
So we’re all in the kitchen, I hear the fridge open, and it suddenly dawns on me in horror that my spouse is MOST DEFINITELY going to go for those hot dogs I wrapped so carelessly.
I quickly turn around to say something, and my spouse in slow motion, wide-eyed, stares at me as the hot dog package unrolls like a Fruit by the Foot commercial and DOUSES my dog’s entire skull in a too-much-to-be-reasonable-in-one-package amount of hot dog water.
My dog lost his MIND.
Like a Christian grandma witnessing the second coming of Christ, my dog just tears across the entire apartment with the worst case of the zoomies I think we’ve ever seen him have.
He proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes singing our praises as the greatest humans alive as he rolls across every piece of furniture we own.
I’m talking every. Piece. Of. Furniture.
Now, I don’t hate hot dogs, but the smell is weirdly overpowering, and every time I sit down on something else, all I can smell is hot dogs.
My dog loves it, though. And now I’m figuring out how to shampoo out hot dog water from my life. I have so many regrets.
10. They Decided It Was Finally Time To Flirt With Their Gym Crush.
So this happened yesterday, and I’m still cringing so hard I might never step into that gym again.
I (22F) recently started going to this new gym, and there’s this insanely cute guy who works out around the same time as me. I’ve been trying to find the courage to talk to him for a couple of weeks. Yesterday, I finally decided it was time.
I saw him doing deadlifts, and I thought, “Okay, casual compliment, easy in.” So I walked by, smiled, and said, “Your lats are majestic.”
What? Majestic?? What was I thinking(???) 😭😭😭 Idk why I said that. I meant to say, “You’re lifting a lot,” or, “Nice form,” or literally anything else.
He looked confused, said “uh… thanks?” and I panicked and decided to just walk away and die in the locker room.
While trying to speed-walk away in embarrassment, I tripped over a medicine ball someone left in the way, face-planted into the floor, and I knocked the wind out of myself so hard I couldn’t breathe for like 20 seconds.
A trainer saw it happen, thought I was having a heart attack, and started actual CPR protocol before I could wheeze out “I’m fine.”
That same cute guy helped hold my legs up while I got oxygen. Pretty sure I died inside. Anyway, now I’m the “CPR girl” at the gym. And yes, I still plan to go back (I cannot 😭).
11. They Complimented Their Wife’s Shirt Before Learning Where It Came From.
This happened not even a half hour ago.
We are going out for my MiL’s birthday this evening, and my wife came out and asked if the shirt she is wearing looked okay on her. It wasn’t anything special, but she looked really good in it. Really good, and I told her so.
It fit great and was just the perfect amount of tight in the right places. I joked about looking forward to getting it off of her later, making the dad joke about the only way the shirt would look better is if it was on our bedroom floor.
She laughed and said I was going to regret saying that. Turns out my mom gave it to her.
It wasn’t new; my mom had had it for a while, but hadn’t worn it for years. When we visited her over Thanksgiving weekend, my mom and my wife went through her closet to see what she might want before donating the rest to a shelter.
My wife started to tease me, asking if I thought it looked that hot when my mother wore it.
A few minutes later, my phone started blowing up. My wife took no time to share this with my mom and my sisters. Now I’m getting grief from every side, and I supplied the ammunition.
I have no doubt whatsoever that my wife will make sure to wear the shirt the next time we get together with my family.
12. They Spotted Someone In The Lake And Immediately Launched A Rescue Attempt.
I’m couch-surfing with my sister and her BF; I work for him at the lakeside bar, trying to pay for college. I take a run by the lake in the mornings. This lake is amazing and draws scuba divers to the flooded town at the bottom.
Today, I was in my own head running when a dark mass floated to the surface 40 feet away. I was on the craggy side of the lake, and this dude looked dead. D.E.A.D. [He was] facing away from me, his head was tipped back, eyes closed, bobbing like a fishing lure.
No one else was around, so I thought he was scuba diving alone at the crack of dawn, giving himself the bends or some nonsense.
Like an idiot, I didn’t yell at him to check in. Instead, I toed off my shoes and stripped to my skivvies to save the imbecile.
The movie trailer in my head had me taking three glorious steps and launching into the deep blue water, Black Widow style. Instead, my tender feet hit the sharp rocks and I contorted under the pain like a slinky as I uncoordinatedly pitched myself into the water, doing a side-flop.
I was also wearing my contacts, so I swam hard in his direction with my eyes closed.
When I opened them, he was staring at me like I’d lost my ever-lovin’ mind, so I blurted, “Are you okay?”
He removed the regulator and incredulously said, “Yes.”
My brain blue-screened while I tread water. The lake felt infinitely deep. Before I could terrify myself by hearing the Jaws theme song, I turned to nope out of there, yelling over my shoulder, “I thought you needed saving” to explain my idiocy.
As I pivoted, another dude cleared his throat from 30 feet away on the other side. I never heard a sound from him, so I freaked out, flailing and belting an ear-wounding scream at him.
Both guys laughed as a few more heads surfaced around us. I was surrounded by divers all wildly entertained by my ridiculous high-octane mistake.
After pointing to me and the beach, the merman that was my original target cautiously swam toward me after I nodded and “escorted” me to the shore.
The beach was much further than I had anticipated, so I was trying to low-key breathe, hiding my need to suck all of the O2 from the air. He quietly mocked me the rest of the way to the shore. I’m a secret sap for it.
They were cadets or recent graduates from a military college, here for the summer. They’d been training in pools and were doing some “open water” exercises; they had been out there at least part of the night. I’m sure I blew up whatever drill they were running.
At the shore, I did my best to throw my shoulders back and march out of the water in my sports bra and undies in front of what I can only imagine are some pretty tough men.
I did invite him and his clandestine crew for an absurdly overpriced beer at the bar tonight before shame-jogging back into the woods for my clothes.
13. They Bought DNA Kits For The Whole Family’s Christmas Presents.
Earlier this year, AncestryDNA had a sale on their kit. I thought it would be a great gift idea, so I bought six of them for Christmas presents. Today my family got together to exchange presents for our Christmas Eve tradition, and I gave my mom, dad, brother, and two sisters each a kit.
As soon as everyone opened their gift at the same time, my mom started freaking out. She told us how she didn’t want us taking them because they had unsafe chemicals.
We explained to her that there were actually no chemicals, but we could tell she was still flustered. Later, she started trying to convince us that only one of us kids needed to take it since we would all have the same results and to resell extra kits to save money.
Fast-forward: Our parents have been fighting upstairs for the past hour, and we are downstairs trying to figure out who has a different dad.
Update: Thank you so much for all the love and support. My sisters, brother, and I have not yet decided if we are going to take the test. No matter what the results are, we will still love each other and our parents no matter what.
Update 2: CHRISTMAS ISN’T RUINED! My mistake actually turned into a Christmas miracle.
Turns out my sister’s father passed away shortly after she was born. A good friend of my mom’s was able to help her through the darkest time in her life, and they went on to fall in love and create the rest of our family.
They never told us because of how hard it was for my mom. Last night, she was strong enough to share stories and photos with us for the first time, and it truly brought us even closer together as a family.
This is a Christmas we will never forget. And yes, we are all excited to get our test results. Merry Christmas everyone!
14. They Sampled Some Edibles Before Dinner With Their In-Laws.
Recently, I traveled to Denver, Colorado with my wife and my wife’s parents. As a resident of a non-legalized state, and as someone who is too much of a wimp to buy illegal drugs regularly, the thing I was looking forward to most was the chance to buy fancy legal weed. What could possibly go wrong?
So the first thing I do upon arriving (and after successfully ditching the in-laws) is drag my wife to a nearby dispensary for a shopping spree. And oh my god, it was just like in my dreams. Tons of different options in neat little sample jars and a team of helpful stoners walking me through the various strains:
“Are you looking for a mellow body high? Or do you want something that gives you a bit more pep and energy? Or are you just hoping for something light to take the stress off?”
“Yes, yes, and yes!” I reply eagerly, like a kid in a candy store, and request an eighth ounce of about seven different options.
In hindsight, if I learned anything from this experience, it is that my math and science teachers never taught me basic information, like, “What is an ounce?” or “How much weed can a person consume in a single weekend?”
Sure, I can tell you when two speeding trains leaving separate stations will collide or recite Avogadro’s Number, but it turns out that none of that information is particularly relevant to getting high in a responsible and efficient manner.
It was at this dispensary that I also learned that you can’t actually smoke in public places (including the hotel where my wife and I were staying). As a result, before leaving, I begged my wife to buy some edibles that I could munch on until we found a place to properly get lit.
After expressing shock as to the absurd volume of drugs that we were buying (unlike me, she is the product of private school and understands the Imperial measurement system), she relents, and we walk out of the store with what felt like a dump truck of weed plus a small package of seemingly innocuous gingersnap cookies.
When we finally get back to the hotel room, I tear those bad boys open…only to find about a dozen tiny cookies roughly the size of a quarter. What the heck, Denver?
Seeing the skepticism (and hunger) in my eyes, my wife warns me that I should go easy and look at the back of the package first before trying one.
Dose size: 1/2 cookie, I read silently as I start taking micro-bites from the edges, like a giant chinchilla gnawing on a sunflower seed. But who only eats half a cookie? So a second later, I covertly pop the remainder into my mouth.
And then I quickly stuff another two cookies in my mouth for good measure the moment my wife turns her back.
About 30 minutes later, we are in the backseat of her parents’ rental car on the way to dinner. My stomach growls. Loudly and angrily. My wife looks at me with inquisitive eyes that seem to say “Diarrhea?” But I merely clutch my tummy and mumble something about altitude sickness.
“You didn’t eat a whole cookie, did you?” she asks, 10% in genuine concern and 90% in seething irritation.
“Of course not,” I respond, avoiding eye contact for the remainder of the car ride.
A few minutes later, we are climbing out of her parents’ rental car and heading into some trendy farm-to-table restaurant. I don’t remember how I made it to my seat, and I don’t remember even looking at the menu, but I do remember the concerned look on the waiter’s face as he asked me if I was doing alright.
“Keep it together, man,” I say to myself. But my wife’s sudden groan suggests that I may have also said that to the waiter. Things are going downhill fast.
The waiter nods sympathetically, takes our orders, and then heads to the next table.
The moment he walks away, my wife is staring daggers at me. I start to worry that the jig is up.
“You are sweating…from your entire face,” she says with both pity and disgust. Not quite knowing what to do, I reach for my napkin and proceed to blot my cheeks, nose, neck, chin, and forehead.
At this point, my wife’s mom looks over at me with some concern. “Are you alright?” she asks kindly.
“Yeah, the food’s just a bit spicy,” I reply, far too quick to realize that we had literally just ordered and that there is nothing on the table except for a basket of dinner rolls.
My wife kicks me under the table to grab my attention. “Bathroom. Now,” she hisses. “Get it together.” I reluctantly get up from the table and head for the toilet. After splashing several handfuls of water on my face, I approach a urinal and start to pee.
Now, one of the more disconcerting effects of those tiny gingersnap monsters is the feeling that time has become untethered from reality. As I am peeing, I start to get the very unsettling feeling that I have been taking a pee for the better part of an hour and that my wife must be pacing around the restaurant worried about me.
But deep down I know that is absurd: I’ve been peeing all my life, sometimes multiple times a day. I’ve probably taken more than 50,000 leaks, and it usually only takes about a minute at most.
So given that my typical pee is no more than 60 seconds, and given that it feels like I am about halfway done, that means that I’ve probably only been standing here about 30 seconds, right?
But the guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t respond, and instead starts shuffling away from me mid-stream, like a startled penguin. I try, albeit unsuccessfully, to break eye contact.
After finally finishing, I again splash some water on my face and return to my seat, making sure to apologize to the table “for being gone such a long time” just in case my math was off.
Next, I try briefly to engage in small talk with my wife’s father, but I am far too high to understand what either of us are saying. Not wanting to start laughing uncontrollably at the wrong moment, or, really, at any moment, I figure the safest idea is to nod my head periodically and drink a ton of water.
Nothing cures mental fatigue like water, right?
To my wife’s horror, I stand up, grab my water glass and thrust it out to the waiter, who unfortunately is on the opposite side of the restaurant.
But he turns out to be really cool and, after making his way over to our table, tells me that he’ll do his best to keep me stocked with ice water for the rest of the meal. He also helpfully suggests that if the dinner rolls aren’t too spicy for me, I should probably eat one or two so that I’m not sitting there on an empty stomach.
Smart man.
However, after going through all of the bread on the table and three glasses of water, I start to get worried that I need actual food to offset the growing paranoia from those tiny gingersnap devils.
“Do you think I should flag down the waiter again and ask what’s taking so long?” I suggest helpfully to my wife.
“What?! We literally just ordered three minutes ago.”
And at that exchange, my wife loses her cool. “HOW MANY COOKIES DID YOU EAT?!” she demands.
“I had a few cookies, but keep it down. I don’t want your parents to know how out of it I am right now.”
“REALLY?! THEY ARE SITTING TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOU. THEY KNOW.”
I look up and for the first time notice both of my in-laws just staring at me…for what literally felt like an eternity.
At that point, my wife’s singular focus was on getting me out of the restaurant before I either puked all over the table or wet myself (or an unsightly combination of both). So after a few awkward, two-handed waves “goodbye” to my in-laws, she rushed me to the door like a Secret Service agent evacuating the president.
My night after that was a whirlwind of barfing and groveling, mixed with a few vain attempts at “getting handsy” back in the hotel room.
But being the absolutely awesome sweetie that she is, my wife stuck with me through the whole nightmare, whispering over and over in my ear: “Please don’t die, we have a mortgage.”
15. They Misunderstood A Compliment During A Hair Removal Appointment.
Obligatory this happened a couple of days ago, but I’ve only just psychologically recovered from my utter embarrassment.
So, there’s been a huge sale at my local laser hair removal clinic, and so I thought I might as well go for it. I paid for my 10 visits and set off for the first one, a little nervous but excited for my new, hairless body.
I decided it would be a great idea to get a full Brazilian, allll the way from front to back. Pretty normal, right?
The lovely nurse comes in and gives me a brief heads-up, and explains how it all works. She leaves the room, leaving me to strip down. She comes back in, and decides that we are going to laser away the hair around my backside first. All well and good, right?
The instructions I’m given are “lay on your right side, and use your left hand to pull up your bum cheek.”
So here I am, lying on my side, hand pulling up my bum while this lady sticks a laser around my backside. Now, on my left hand, I wear this gorgeous silver ring with a bright blue gem; it was handmade by my best friend’s boyfriend, so it’s pretty unique.
This lady saw my gorgeous ring, and decided to break the awkward silence with a, “That’s a cute ring you have there.”
And of course, I happened to forget I was wearing the ring. It just made sense in my head that this nurse was complimenting the ring of my backside. Yeah. I know.
So, still on my side, I tell her, “Thank you! It’ll be a lot nicer when it’s hairless, LOL.”
Cue awkward laugh and then silence, until I realized that she was not, in fact, talking about my bum.
Finished the rest of the appointment without speaking and dashed out of there as soon as possible. Still recovering.
16. They Spent Months Trying To Figure Out Why Their Face Was Red.
Let’s flash back to last April…
In April last year, I was prescribed Fluoxetine (Prozac) due to an ongoing mental health situation, and it seemed to work for me.
My mood was elevated, my temper suppressed, everything seemed to be going fine. Until…
I began a new relationship, and everything seemed very good. The connection was immaculate, the vibes were good, the petting was heavy. However, I began to notice that things weren’t biologically “rising” in the way that they should.
I initially chalked it up to being in my late 30s and that these things might take some time.
However, this problem persisted, and in July last year, I spoke with my General Practitioner, who provided me with a prescription for Sildenafil (Viagra for the layman). 100mg of which I should take.
I proceeded to take the little blue, circular 100mg tablet every morning, alongside my vitamins and normal pills of the day. Things were never better.
My sex life was enviable, I began to feel energy like I haven’t felt since my teens, and my general motivation and drive seemed at an all-time high…
Until the 3rd or 4th week, that is.
A colleague said to me, “Hey, looks like you’ve been laid out in the sun too long.”
“Don’t think so…” I responded, hurrying off to consult a mirror, to see that my visage was bright, blotchy red.
I chalked it up to sunburn, or an allergic reaction…for nearly a whole year. Trying different creams, lotions, and antihistamines to try and quell the redness.
I finally booked in with a different GP, with hopes of seeing a dermatologist, to curb the red-faced woes.
“You’ve been collecting a prescription for Sildenafil every month for a year,” he says, upon looking at my file.
“Yeah?” I question.
“You must have a big backstock by now!” The doctor says.
“Are you flirting with me, doc?” I reply.
“Surely you aren’t in need of them every day,” the doctor responds.
And then it all became clear. These aren’t a daily medication at all. They’re to be used “As and when required.”
17. They Finally Connected Two Things They’d Been Doing Since Childhood.
I am 34 years old and have had excruciating acid reflux since I was about 8 years old. I have been taking prescription-strength medication every day for 25 years to control it, and I still have had terrible symptoms that sometimes keep me up at night.
I’ve even had an endoscopy under general anesthesia to try to discover the cause.
Recently, I noticed that my symptoms tend to start after I take my evening allergy and asthma medication. Incidentally, I have been taking these pills since I was about 8 years old.
I’ve always been able to easily dry swallow pills without water. I can take a whole handful of pills dry with no problem, so that’s how I’ve always taken my medication.
So I googled it, and sure enough, dry swallowing pills can lead to pills getting stuck in your esophagus and cause acid reflux.
I started taking water with my pills, and sure enough, my acid reflux symptoms disappeared immediately.
It’s been a few months now, and I haven’t had a single episode of reflux when I used to have it several times a week.
18. Their Girlfriend Finally Shared Her Thoughts On The Bedroom Playlist.
A little backstory; when I first started having sex, I researched ways to be better, as I was a little stiff and pretty much had no idea what I was doing. I read online that you can play music and match the rhythm to put on a better performance.
I searched for love-making songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm.
There are a few songs on my playlist. However, there is one song in particular, which actually happens to be my favorite, that my girlfriend hates and says turns her off in a major way.
I don’t understand why it has taken her two years to tell me she hates that song. It’s a good love-making song with good rhythm.
I feel the way I messed up is I could have possibly asked her previously if she likes the playlist or any songs she’d like to add/change. But to leave it for two years thinking our sex life is great but in her eyes has just been ruined by my music has left the whole situation feeling awkward, and I’m a bit annoyed.
I pretty much played this tune every single time, so the amount of times she must have not been enjoying it, when I thought the complete opposite, is annoying but also embarrassing.
Not to mention my previous partners, however they never complained about the song, so maybe it’s just her?
It’s messed up the relationship TBH because sex feels awkward now. The other day, we were having sex with no music, but I was still moving to the tune playing in my head. She recognized this and asked me to stop.
I thought this song was perfect, and I always move along with the tune and feel it gives me the perfect rhythm for doing the deed. I find it devastating that she hates the song.