Thoughts About Primates

Sure, there may be thousands of years of evolution between us, but we’re not so different, monkeys and I. Like the monkey, I use tools to find food. Like the monkey, I sometimes get in fights with my friends over a girl. And like the monkey, I stay safe from predators by clinging tightly to my mother’s underbelly as she swings from tree to tree.

All monkeys look great in a hat. But not all monkeys have access to adorable headwear, because us humans can’t be everywhere all the time. Which is why I think we should introduce top hats into the wild.

I think a pet monkey would make a better roommate than my friend Jerry. Because, unlike Jerry, I don’t think the monkey would complain when I asked him to help out by doing stuff around the house. Stuff like cook my dinner, wash my clothes and pick the fleas and ticks out of my hair.

Tarzan is king of the apes. He protects them, and in return, his “subjects” shower him with undying praise and affection. And though a human, he pretty much runs the show out there in the jungle. The apes may not always understand, but what he says goes. I guess what I’m getting at is, I wish I was the king of something.

Monkeys and bananas. What a perfect match, right? They go together like peanut butter and my naked chest.

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