Overheard at a Mob Boss Kid's Birthday Party

“Break his legs, boy! Yeah, break ’em! Ooh that’s gotta hurt…great, now reach in there and get ya some candy” – Cousin Vito watching the piñata festivities

“Hey boy, no whining. Socks are a great birthday present. A kid always needs socks – you can stuff  ’em into the mouths of any hostage who tries to mouth off. Now thank your grandmother before I shove one in your mouth” – Don Paisano disciplines the birthday boy

“Who wants to play shoot the tail off the donkey?” – Fat Vinnie, party planner

You laughing at me? You laughing at ME!? Do I look like a clown to you!? DO I!? Well good, because that’s what I am – now who wants a balloon animal?” Uncle Carlo, dressed as a clown

Hey boy, be careful rolling around in the dirt like that. You’ll ruin your double-breasted suit.” – The Godfather

“Who wants birthday cannoli?” – Carmela Paisano, birthday boy’s mother

“Say hello to my little friend” – the birthday boy introduces “Short Sammy” to his cousins.

“Mamma Mia! It’s-a Luigi – out on parole!” – Uncle Mario, upon seeing Uncle Luigi walking up the driveway

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A Vampire's Guide to Looking Good

Not being able to see your own reflection can be a serious hurdle when it comes to looking your best. Despite this fact, vampires are notorious for their vanity, and often refuse to leave the house before their hair is combed just so or that makeup delivers the perfect appearance of sallow paleness. Whether you’ve got a date with a fellow bloodsucker or you’re just heading down to the corner to murder the living, here are some tips that’ll have you looking good no matter what the occasion.

Consider the “Bed-Head” Look

Catching all those cowlicks can be pretty difficult without the help of a mirror. Rather than fret about whether or not you’ve got a misplaced hair or two, why not roll with the punches and go with that “just rolled out of bed” look? With the help of a little sculpting gel, all it takes is a few tousles of the hair to look like you just came from an expensive hair salon.

If you’re an old-school vampire and prefer that classic 18th-century look that you grew up with, then other good options for hair include:

  • Using Pommade to achieve that slicked-back style
  • Pulling it back into a ponytail
  • Wearing a hat
  • Investing in a powdered wig

Buy Off the Mannequin

Way back when you were human, you might remember using a full-length mirror to help make sure those fine linen shirts matched your pantaloons. Now that you don’t have that luxury, you’ve probably found yourself playing it safe and dressing in a lot of black. While black is certainly classic, it’s still fun to mix up your cape colors every once in a while. As such, next time you visit the mall, consider doing yourself a favor and buying full outfits straight off the mannequin. If you like the way it looks on the mannequin, chances are you’ll also like the way it looks on you.

Enslave a Personal Stylist

When it comes to looking your best, sometimes it helps to get a second opinion. There are plenty of fashion stylists out there who make a living by helping celebrities and other very important people dress to impress. Since good help is often hard to find, it is recommended you suck the blood of your favorite celebrity stylist. Not only will this ensure an unbiased opinion (since you’re now his or her new vampire master), it will also ensure an eternity of good fashion tips from an expert that is no longer mortal.

Take Good Care of Those Teeth

Those pretty little fangs of yours are one of your greatest assets. To ensure they stay sexy and sharp, be sure to take good care of them. Proper fang maintenance should include:

  • Brushing twice daily with fluoride toothpaste
  • Flossing to get those finicky neck sinews out from in between teeth
  • Dental visits every six months
  • Using a home tooth whitening kit (remember, blood stains)

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Christian Science Test

If your child went to a fundamentalist Christian school, what might his or her science test look like? Here’s a humorous mock-up of what you might expect. (click image to enlarge)

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Letters Home From the Corporate Retreat

I had an article published on McSweeney’s yesterday. Read the first portion of the article below, then head over to McSweeney’s for the whole thing.

Dear kids,

Hi it’s me, mom. How are you? I am terrible! I hate this corporate retreat and want to come home real bad! It’s been raining all day and my cabin smells like frogs. I miss you guys sooooo much. Can you send your Aunt Vicky to come get me?

Love you – Mom

Dear Kids,

We got assigned our team-building groups today. My group is dumb, except for Karen from HR –she’s cool. She watches The Bachelor on TV too…

Continue reading…

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