Mike
Will these tweets change you life? Maybe. Will they make your week better? Probably. Will they make you laugh? Definitely.
When I say "I'm doing the lord's work," I just mean I'm sitting around watching tons of crazy shit happen, but not doing anything about it.
— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) August 8, 2015
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby— moody monday (@mdob11) August 15, 2015
Today in Crossfit, we moved everything out of our homes and hid in the trees until we could hear our kids crying
— Winbarryfairy (@Winbarryfairy) August 4, 2015
i believe in love i also believe in dolls coming to life at night
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) August 13, 2015
https://twitter.com/LostCatDog/status/629313507859804160
My favourite part of getting older is how now when I hide junk food from myself I actually forget about it.
— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) August 7, 2015
Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/MassageByTed/status/626868118502174720
https://twitter.com/susie_meister/status/420388170241290240
Keep turning and turning and turning in bed until a cocoon begins to form around your tired body and you hear David Attenborough's voice.
— mug reheater (@findmydolls) May 28, 2015
https://twitter.com/MollySneed/status/534205121471590400
If you ring my doorbell after 9 pm you are probably a murderer and I will try to murder you first.
— Matt (@sucittaM) September 25, 2012
I thought I was in a gang once, but it turned out to be the line at Chipotle.
— جســـار (@Jassar_JD) July 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/WigCannon/status/606579838288199680
https://twitter.com/koalaslament/status/590641616320393216