Happy Monday! Enjoy these outstanding tweets!
got the Chinese symbol for 'neck' tattooed on my neck
— young hope (@hopiecan) August 4, 2015
Dating is like finding a parking spot. You pass up 1 b/c you think you can do better. When you can't, you come back to that 1 & it's taken.
— Nicole Betz (@TomHanksIsHot) July 24, 2015
-Well lemme know if u wanna talk about it
-But-wait we're talking right now
-*friend disappears in puff of smoke* Lemme knooww…
— AMG (@vhstapes2) August 6, 2015
FACE PAINTER: Hello there
ME: The usual
— Tim Martin (@timmartinwhy) July 31, 2015
The Green River killer's ex-wife said she liked him because "he was always smiling" just a little something to keep in mind
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) August 4, 2015
Good things come to those you hate.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) August 4, 2015
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
— Joel Ingersoll (@FlyoverJoel) January 8, 2013
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) July 29, 2015
Tanning a pentagram into my chest this summer even if it means getting kicked out of goth club.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) July 31, 2015
Add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 17, 2012
Linda my profile clearly said I like to experiment in the bedroom. If you’re not comfortable handling plutonium why did you even message me
— Brent Something (@brentcetera) July 8, 2015
Control any business meeting with my two step program. Step one: Dad-like disapproval. Step two: A little move I call Leanback Teepeehands.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) March 23, 2015
Sure, I miss grandma. But she's up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) April 15, 2015
Good first date questions:
What was your first pet's name?
What street did you grow up on?
Mother's maiden name?
Fave bank to log in to?
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 25, 2015